From elation to deflation

I think we all have a rollercoaster of emotions after diagnosis. I’m certainly still on a journey after approximately six months.

It’s not clear to me whether you actually want a relationship or just feel that society expects that you should. 

I very much want one but went from feeling empowered by my new knowledge to almost feeling like it’s confirmed that it is literally impossible because I’m autistic and I can’t change that.

But I know that there are lots of autistic people on here who have somehow achieved it (I suspect it involves black magic).

Justbe said:

I'm having to be really honest with myself. I have RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) and I struggle with quite low self esteem.

How can I get passed this ?  I'm in my fifties. I don't really want to be alone for the rest of my life

I’m the same and would love some real advice (or a magic wand).

Note I have never been in a relationship and don't really have friends, but if i was going to I would break it down. At the end of the day it is just a problem that needs solving and skills that need developing.

First. Like all things we must start with the self. How can we expect to love other people if we don't truly love ourselves. Maybe that sounds cliche but if you expect others to make you whole then you are far more likely to find ourselves exploited by others. How do we gain confidence in ourselves? I don't really know but that would be the first step. This isn't arrogance or pride this is self worth, that you are worthy of being loved that you deserve to be appreciated for precisely who you are not a mask to appease other people. If you have to hide yourself to feel loved then it isn't really love. Everyone deserves to be loved. Even us.

Secondly, relationships are just friendships with extra steps. More physical contact and so on, so if you have friends then you are part of the way. So how do you make friends? Go to things with people that you think you might enjoy. Daniel Wendler has a book on this treating social skills like a game I can't quite remember what is called but might be a good place to start. Look for events in your local area that are within your comfort zone or just outside of it, and then go to them and try talking to one person. Quality not quantity. Start small. Building it up in steps. You can't just be passive or life will pass you by you have got to be active invite people to stuff. Daniel Wendler has a phrase 20 seconds of courage. Sometimes all it takes is 20 seconds of courage. How can you expect to start a relationship if you aren't meeting people to start relationships with. There is a book, "How to not die alone" by logan Ury that you might like to read. What do you enjoy doing that could be spent around other people? Could you go to a museum? Are there events listed on the local library? Are there events in your area listed on facebook?

Three. relationships. Not going to lie I have no idea what people do in relationships it all feels a little weird to me, and I can't just read books on it but I think it is just friendship with extra steps.

If it is not right then it is not right.

The law of serendipity states that lady luck favours the one who tries. If there is a one in a hundred chance of meeting someone that you could spend the rest of your life with then you are just going to have to try one hundred times aren't you.

Love at first sight doesn't exist, and even if it did I would not believe in it anyway. Love takes time to develop it is a partnership between you and someone else it is not just on you they have also got to be willing to contribute. It takes time to figure out if you are right for each other. You have got to be willing to change and adapt and do things that you might not like but that is more bending not breaking. You have also got to take into account that you are autistic so some accomadations need to be made. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZ-wCP4tjrg . A lot of the relationship advice out there probably won't apply to you directly.

I am probably forgetting things, oh well. These are my thoughts but I have never had a relationship so take this with a grain of salt.

Note I have never been in a relationship and don't really have friends, but if i was going to I would break it down. At the end of the day it is just a problem that needs solving and skills that need developing.

First. Like all things we must start with the self. How can we expect to love other people if we don't truly love ourselves. Maybe that sounds cliche but if you expect others to make you whole then you are far more likely to find ourselves exploited by others. How do we gain confidence in ourselves? I don't really know but that would be the first step. This isn't arrogance or pride this is self worth, that you are worthy of being loved that you deserve to be appreciated for precisely who you are not a mask to appease other people. If you have to hide yourself to feel loved then it isn't really love. Everyone deserves to be loved. Even us.

Secondly, relationships are just friendships with extra steps. More physical contact and so on, so if you have friends then you are part of the way. So how do you make friends? Go to things with people that you think you might enjoy. Daniel Wendler has a book on this treating social skills like a game I can't quite remember what is called but might be a good place to start. Look for events in your local area that are within your comfort zone or just outside of it, and then go to them and try talking to one person. Quality not quantity. Start small. Building it up in steps. You can't just be passive or life will pass you by you have got to be active invite people to stuff. Daniel Wendler has a phrase 20 seconds of courage. Sometimes all it takes is 20 seconds of courage. How can you expect to start a relationship if you aren't meeting people to start relationships with. There is a book, "How to not die alone" by logan Ury that you might like to read. What do you enjoy doing that could be spent around other people? Could you go to a museum? Are there events listed on the local library? Are there events in your area listed on facebook?

Three. relationships. Not going to lie I have no idea what people do in relationships it all feels a little weird to me, and I can't just read books on it but I think it is just friendship with extra steps.

If it is not right then it is not right.

The law of serendipity states that lady luck favours the one who tries. If there is a one in a hundred chance of meeting someone that you could spend the rest of your life with then you are just going to have to try one hundred times aren't you.

Love at first sight doesn't exist, and even if it did I would not believe in it anyway. Love takes time to develop it is a partnership between you and someone else it is not just on you they have also got to be willing to contribute. It takes time to figure out if you are right for each other. You have got to be willing to change and adapt and do things that you might not like but that is more bending not breaking. You have also got to take into account that you are autistic so some accomadations need to be made. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZ-wCP4tjrg . A lot of the relationship advice out there probably won't apply to you directly.

I am probably forgetting things, oh well. These are my thoughts but I have never had a relationship so take this with a grain of salt.

I figured.

There is no danger of me flirting with everyone

I don't think flirting with everyone is the right way to go about this. It may have worked for them but for me it feels creepy. There is this book on baseball where in order to be really good at baseball it is not about trying to hit every throw that gets sent your way it is only about hitting the ones that land in your zone of safety that you have a higher chance of hitting succesfully. You don't need to flirt with everyone wait for the ones that you think you are likely to have a higher chance with. Then again you think you probably have a chance with no-one but the idea is still useful.

You make a bunch of points that I agree with.

I think masking gets in the way. We’re projecting a fake self, literally lying to people, so at some level we feel like a fraud and that we’re doing something wrong. It’s difficult to love yourself if that’s how you feel.

But even friendships are difficult. I had a circle of friends earlier in my life but they’re all gone now, and looking back I would question whether they were really friends anyway.

Making new friendships - or relationships - is so much more difficult now because so many of us now work from home so you rarely get to meet anyone new, and I don’t have friends to introduce me to people they know.

But you’re right about Lady Luck favouring those who try. I’ve known people over the years who try to flirt with just about everyone they encounter and they always struck me as creepy or embarrassing, but the hard truth is that they all got married.