Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't know if other people ever feel like this (or feel this as often and as much as me), but I really struggle to know when what I am doing is enough. How much effort should I put into things? How long and how hard should I work? How should I be spending my time? I've seen other autistic people discussing how they have taken the phrase 'do your best' too literally and I worry that I do the same, or the opposite - that I'm not doing nearly enough.
It doesn't help that this year I've been learning to accept that I simply don't have as much energy as my peers. I see everyone going out and doing all of this stuff and I just know that I could keep that kind of lifestyle up for about a week before feeling so drained I can't do anything for the next month. It's paralysing to watch everyone doing and being so much more than me. I want to do so much, but when it comes down to it, I feel so lost and afraid. I often joke with my friends that I wish I had a little assistant who could tell me what I need to be doing and when.
Getting motivation is difficult because even if I commit myself to doing something, my brain starts telling me all the other things I could be doing, and that perhaps I'm not using my time correctly. I don't know. I suppose I just want to know if this is common for other autistic adults, and how I could begin to navigate this. I'm 20 at the moment; is this something I'll simply 'grow' out of, or is this forever? Is it pointing to some ultimate feeling of purposeless that I won't be able to be rid of until I find said purpose?
i wouldnt work hard.... i did at first by default as by default i can only do my best. but yeah, your workplace wont notice and will insult you eventually and you will regret working your best, plus if you start at the top then you are expected to remain the best and that is taken for granted. you should start at your least effort so that when you increase your effort it can be seen as a improvement from when you started, if you start at maximum effort your employer will only expect that and then be disappointed if they dont get that and yet never reward that as they got it in the first place so theyd take it for granted and yet never reward it despite being better than 5 other workers combined... then you get annoyed and lower it and they will think your playing with them... so its best to start at your lowest capability always... it sounds bad, but when you start at your lowest then your best isnt taken for granted and you are not trodden on... dont be like me, your best at default, you get really tread on and hurt that way and never rewarded for being better than anyone, you just get punished. start mediocre, then show them your worth later on so then they see it as a improvement.... never start at your best or do best by default, that is what i have learned.
Thanks for that and totally get that. When I was employed a long time ago that’s exactly what I did. I got walked all over as the expectation was so great but I had already set that bar too high. I wish I had known these things before I started working.