Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all.
Reaching out for some advice. I am a 38 year man who believes I may have autism. I have struggled forever with most aspects of life. I feel different. Not normal. Struggle with things that everybody else seems fine with. I am really emotionally fragile. Take everything to heart. Feel like life is all an act. I go to work and change into a person that isn't me to survive and try and fit in and be liked.
I struggled in school when I was younger with most things, I remember I used to get lost in the place and had to try find people I recognised in hope I would end up at the right classroom. I've had friends but not many actual close friends in my life. People are genuinely quite scary. Could never settle down to any career. Went to university twice with nothing to show for it, didn't last more than a year in both courses. I struggled with the whole place, too many people, the schedules, all the places you had to go. Concentrating on the subject. Struggled with normal jobs too.
I cannot stand change. I feel comfortable and safe when everything stays the same. In my current job, this is a problem due to every 5 years you must move onto a new job, new location, new people and new everything. Each time this has happened to me it puts me under the most incredible amount of stress. The last time I had a breakdown. It gave me so much anxiety and this turned into depression. I went for help to the docs who put me on antidepressants and the tablets really did not agree with me. If anything made me worse and suicidal at times.
I was sent to a mental health facility and each time I went i saw someone different. Poured my heart out about my life struggles but I felt like I was an imposter and that they didn't really care, believe me and didn't take on board what I was saying. I imagined they thought i was just a guy who just didn't want to do his job.
Everytime I went they told me something different was wrong with me. From depression, to social anxiety to ADHD. I never actually found out what it was. At first due to my awful memory and inability to concentrate on most things I thought ADHD was properly it.
The whole experience stressed me out so much that I gave up and vowed to never go back there or see the docs for help and went back to managing it myself like I had always done. From using exercise, herbal supplements proven to have some benefits, cold water therapy to daily meditation.
If I had carried on seeking help and didn't pull myself together and got off the antidepressants there was a good chance due to the nature of my job I would be discharged. I 100% didn't want this as I have three young children to provide for and a mortgage to pay for.
So the reasons I think I have autism after looking into autism is:
I need routine in my life to feel safe. If anything changes even something little it upsets me greatly.
I have been told I am a people pleaser. I dislike confrontation and bad feeling between people. just try to make everyone happy.
I would rather be in my own company. I don't feel this is social anxiety. I can handle people I just don't particularly like it.
Certain smells and noises I cannot stand, an example, if my Mrs sprays perfume or deodorant around in the bedroom I nearly throw up.
I rub my thumb and finger together constantly when I am feeling stressed or overwhelmed with something. Or most recently because of how stressed I feel my hands shake. Not uncontrollably, if I notice I am doing it I can stop them. Oh and I bounce my legs up and down which drives my Mrs mad.
I am the best actor, I can act normal and happy all day long. When I am far from that really. I am absolutely exhausted and sometimes have to sleep after work to feel okay again.
If I am talking to someone I have to force myself to look in their eyes. Its really uncomfortable for me to do this and sometimes almost hurts my insides. Most of the time I stare through them or look away. I have got so good at this that to the normal person there is nothing wrong. Just maybe a little shy or lacking in confidence etc.
I am absolutely feelingless, if that's a word. The only thing I know how to feel is stress. I have no idea what feeling excited, or happy or anything is like. I've never felt that in my life.
I really struggle with memory. Unless it's something that interests me I have no hope of remembering it. I have to force myself to focus on things so hard just to get it to sink in a little bit to get by.
Peoples names are the hardest thing for me to remember, or maybe what I just notice the most. I have got into the habit now of just using the same nick name for everyone. To save the embarrassment of not remembering the name of the person I will have met multipal times. Or even sometimes see daily if I'm particularly stressed. The name just disappears from my memory.
They say people who have autism have special interests. I have two. Sounds strange. But mobile phones. I know every mobile phone that's ever been released, what type of screen they use. The cameras, pros and cons. And probably owned hundreds over the years and spend hours watching all the reviews on YouTube. I also have a thing for cars and spent the majority of my life looking at cars on autotrader. It started when I was a boy when I would buy the magazine and look through every page. I know the make and model of most cars even to what engines they had in them and what years the models were made and I could also make a pretty good guess at how much the tax was. When I say all the time, I must spend on average 2 to 3 hours a day for the last fifteen years looking at them, usually on a night to chill out after a hard day. I know it's bleedy crazy I don't even need a new car!!! Ask me anything else I am pretty much clueless. Famous peoples names....Not a clue. Football. Tried to like that to fit in but I never could remember any of the names, what they were all up to. Who played for who. Where they were in the league, anything. Put me on a quiz show and unless the questions are all on cars or phones you would have the worst contestant ever.
Really short concentration span.
I am totally direct, have no filter. Don't think before I speak. But I am also too honest. If someone asks me something I'll tell them everything when I should know what's good for me and just keep my mouth shut.
I could go on forever and ever.
Well my 5 years is nearly up in my job. I already feel sick to the stomach and overwhelmed. But I gotta keep going for my family. Just wondered if any of these things ring true with you guys and whether you think it is autism or not. I can't go for help unless I can find someone privately who can diagnose me. Not that it would actually help. Nothing I can
do about it. Been like this forever.
Peace.
I can relate to pretty much all that you wrote and it's a familiar story.
Got my diagnosis 20 years later than you. It both liberated me form some things and also made me realise that other things are never going to get better. 3 years on and I've stopped going on about it and thinking about it all the time and am gradually integrating reintegrating the pre-diagnosis I-sperg with the instantly new person that I discovered as an Autist.
Having a family to work for is your biggest advantage, do NOT lose it. Do not chase after other women or thrills and spills, do not take out your frustrations on them, and thank god for every day you have them (even the wife!) whenever they aren't being to annoying.
As for getting a diagnosis, there are two routes I know of.
1.Aspergertestsite.com This will tell you and my score there correlated exactly with the NHS test I subsequently went for. Once you know, you know.
2. Some people; maybe you, maybe your relatives, maybe an employer, will want a formal diagnosis. The NHS will try and take many months to do this. I shortened my wait by asking my doctor after one week had elapsed whether they had sent off the paperwork.. When eventually they did claim to have I then called the recipient and asked if they had it! When they told me that they hadn't and it was clear that some N.T somewhere was lying as per usual, and to my detriment, I called the local health authority complaints department making the most polite of complaints and explaining that I was following this matter so closely, because until I know my life is effectively on hold"
From initial GP visit to completion of the process of formal diagnosis (Last words form the kindly specialist, "There's no treatment for this...") was about three months IIRC.
3 months in total? That’s fantastic. So from what you’re saying it pays to be persistent. We are already experiencing how difficult it can be and we have only just got the forms back from my son’s school to give to his gp. Unfortunately they have put that he shows no signs and meets all the expectations. 8yrs old and he’s already a master at masking.
it pays to ask when they say we will send your papers off, to ask where they are being sent and ask "how long does that take" and then follow it up when the time runs out.
UNIVERSALLY across ALL "public service" organisations...
And the moment someone lies to you, raise a complaint as high as you can possibly go. It might be "just their job", but it's YOUR LIFE that their sloth and dishonesty is going to waste if you "play the game".
That question stumped me, I don't mind telling you.
I do know that trying to please others feels virtuous in and of itself yet rarely works.
Maybe you should do as your "handle" suggests and take 5 whilst you find out what it is YOU really like doing and/or are especially good at.
I have a question for you, just o the of chance you'll know. Would you know anything about late eighties early 90's FZ750 production racing?
Could I just ask for 1 more piece of advice. How do I find my special skills and interests? I have spent all my life getting satisfaction out of pleasing others (or so I thought) and no time really investigating what my actual interests are. I do have some things that I am very interested in and spend a lot of hours watching motorcycle racing which I’m obsessed with but I wouldn’t say I know all there is to know about it.
That’s an amazing way of looking at it.
thanks again