Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all.
Reaching out for some advice. I am a 38 year man who believes I may have autism. I have struggled forever with most aspects of life. I feel different. Not normal. Struggle with things that everybody else seems fine with. I am really emotionally fragile. Take everything to heart. Feel like life is all an act. I go to work and change into a person that isn't me to survive and try and fit in and be liked.
I struggled in school when I was younger with most things, I remember I used to get lost in the place and had to try find people I recognised in hope I would end up at the right classroom. I've had friends but not many actual close friends in my life. People are genuinely quite scary. Could never settle down to any career. Went to university twice with nothing to show for it, didn't last more than a year in both courses. I struggled with the whole place, too many people, the schedules, all the places you had to go. Concentrating on the subject. Struggled with normal jobs too.
I cannot stand change. I feel comfortable and safe when everything stays the same. In my current job, this is a problem due to every 5 years you must move onto a new job, new location, new people and new everything. Each time this has happened to me it puts me under the most incredible amount of stress. The last time I had a breakdown. It gave me so much anxiety and this turned into depression. I went for help to the docs who put me on antidepressants and the tablets really did not agree with me. If anything made me worse and suicidal at times.
I was sent to a mental health facility and each time I went i saw someone different. Poured my heart out about my life struggles but I felt like I was an imposter and that they didn't really care, believe me and didn't take on board what I was saying. I imagined they thought i was just a guy who just didn't want to do his job.
Everytime I went they told me something different was wrong with me. From depression, to social anxiety to ADHD. I never actually found out what it was. At first due to my awful memory and inability to concentrate on most things I thought ADHD was properly it.
The whole experience stressed me out so much that I gave up and vowed to never go back there or see the docs for help and went back to managing it myself like I had always done. From using exercise, herbal supplements proven to have some benefits, cold water therapy to daily meditation.
If I had carried on seeking help and didn't pull myself together and got off the antidepressants there was a good chance due to the nature of my job I would be discharged. I 100% didn't want this as I have three young children to provide for and a mortgage to pay for.
So the reasons I think I have autism after looking into autism is:
I need routine in my life to feel safe. If anything changes even something little it upsets me greatly.
I have been told I am a people pleaser. I dislike confrontation and bad feeling between people. just try to make everyone happy.
I would rather be in my own company. I don't feel this is social anxiety. I can handle people I just don't particularly like it.
Certain smells and noises I cannot stand, an example, if my Mrs sprays perfume or deodorant around in the bedroom I nearly throw up.
I rub my thumb and finger together constantly when I am feeling stressed or overwhelmed with something. Or most recently because of how stressed I feel my hands shake. Not uncontrollably, if I notice I am doing it I can stop them. Oh and I bounce my legs up and down which drives my Mrs mad.
I am the best actor, I can act normal and happy all day long. When I am far from that really. I am absolutely exhausted and sometimes have to sleep after work to feel okay again.
If I am talking to someone I have to force myself to look in their eyes. Its really uncomfortable for me to do this and sometimes almost hurts my insides. Most of the time I stare through them or look away. I have got so good at this that to the normal person there is nothing wrong. Just maybe a little shy or lacking in confidence etc.
I am absolutely feelingless, if that's a word. The only thing I know how to feel is stress. I have no idea what feeling excited, or happy or anything is like. I've never felt that in my life.
I really struggle with memory. Unless it's something that interests me I have no hope of remembering it. I have to force myself to focus on things so hard just to get it to sink in a little bit to get by.
Peoples names are the hardest thing for me to remember, or maybe what I just notice the most. I have got into the habit now of just using the same nick name for everyone. To save the embarrassment of not remembering the name of the person I will have met multipal times. Or even sometimes see daily if I'm particularly stressed. The name just disappears from my memory.
They say people who have autism have special interests. I have two. Sounds strange. But mobile phones. I know every mobile phone that's ever been released, what type of screen they use. The cameras, pros and cons. And probably owned hundreds over the years and spend hours watching all the reviews on YouTube. I also have a thing for cars and spent the majority of my life looking at cars on autotrader. It started when I was a boy when I would buy the magazine and look through every page. I know the make and model of most cars even to what engines they had in them and what years the models were made and I could also make a pretty good guess at how much the tax was. When I say all the time, I must spend on average 2 to 3 hours a day for the last fifteen years looking at them, usually on a night to chill out after a hard day. I know it's bleedy crazy I don't even need a new car!!! Ask me anything else I am pretty much clueless. Famous peoples names....Not a clue. Football. Tried to like that to fit in but I never could remember any of the names, what they were all up to. Who played for who. Where they were in the league, anything. Put me on a quiz show and unless the questions are all on cars or phones you would have the worst contestant ever.
Really short concentration span.
I am totally direct, have no filter. Don't think before I speak. But I am also too honest. If someone asks me something I'll tell them everything when I should know what's good for me and just keep my mouth shut.
I could go on forever and ever.
Well my 5 years is nearly up in my job. I already feel sick to the stomach and overwhelmed. But I gotta keep going for my family. Just wondered if any of these things ring true with you guys and whether you think it is autism or not. I can't go for help unless I can find someone privately who can diagnose me. Not that it would actually help. Nothing I can
do about it. Been like this forever.
Peace.
Nice of you to share all of that. You are not alone trust me, I am 49 and up until 10 weeks ago I just thought I had always been a bit different. It wasn’t until my 8yr old son was really showing signs that I had to go through my past and realised I have so many traits myself. For me an assessment I think will be a good thing and instead of feeling weak minded and unable to cope with simple things would hopefully give me a pat on the back and say what an achievement to get this far in life without realising. Sounds to me that you are much stronger than you realise and you have done so much in your career, university and then a father to 3 children. I’m not really the person to give advice as I’m in a pretty dark place at the minute and it’s early days for me but I can empathise with where you are atm. I am slowly learning to keep things as simple as possible when I can and if I’m feeling overwhelmed I go somewhere quiet and just try and recharge. Hope things get a little more manageable for you and when it does let me know how you did it.
good luck
I certainly feel less of a failure in life, post diagnosis.
It's like I've been fighting with one hand tied behind my back and a blindfold on, and at least the blindfold is off.
TO push the metaphor:
I now can fight better because I can see, but I still have that hand tied behind my back, so rather than keep fighting, I'm using my new found vision to look for the door (or a gun, either will do at this point in my life.)..
It's a lot for the O/H to take in isn't it?
Knowing a bit about persons who answer to "she", I suspect that conversation will eventually happen once she knows what she want you to hear... ;c)
Our relationship had been struggling on and off for quite a while when I got my diagnosis, and her evident dissatisfaction with my way of being felt both justified and yet suddenly felt like being persecuted for being myself rather than for a failing that I could, perhaps with time and expenditure of more effort overcome. Some of our most serious arguments were clearly over things I could not help, and were swiftly ended post diagnosis with"Your complaining about the way I am, you should see it from this side!"
Since we are not married with kids, I did offer her an "out" on the basis that she didn't sign up for this particular sort of ride, which she declined.
I have become more assertive that I was, and less inclined into being trapped on the defensive like I used to be, which is a result of both increased understanding of my Autism and also may be a side effect of my regular consumption of the "red pills"...
I’m not really sure if realising I’m on the spectrum has been particularly good for me as yet. Like I said it’s early days and it feels like I’m almost grieving when I take my mind back to all the awkward things that have happened in the past. It feels like you have hidden things from yourself for so long. At the moment I am putting everything into getting my son an assessment and taking him to therapy for his anxiety, then there is every waking moment trying to research and grab as much information as I can. My wife picked up on my traits and brought it to my attention so literally chose to ask my son’s therapist to which she said I was very possibly on the spectrum. I have been with my partner for around 25 years (I think) but when I tried to have a conversation about me she shut me down and said that we will never speak of it again. Really have no clue what to do now, all I want to do is share more about me with her so that she understands me a little better.