Published on 12, July, 2020
My work had a small Christmas party sort of thing in reception. I usually dont go to social things at my work but wanted to push myself out my comfort zone. I don't regret doing it, but God was that a lot more difficult than i expected.
I just get so stuck inside myself in group conversation. Constantly questioning "what do I say now, what can I say to make or progress a conversation, no that's a stupid thing to say" and this internal dialogue jsut keeps going to the point that I just got so insular and have no idea what's being said by others. I don't know many people at my work outside my normal team but I really wanted to talk to others, I just couldn't. It really upsets me. I want to be able to initiate conversation rather than jsut wait and hope someone comes to me.
What didn't help was that some people that I was "kind of" talking to just kept having "banter" about things that were really quite vulgar and at times homophobic. It makes me really uncomfortable, I jsut don't find vulgar things funny. And I want to call out the homophobic *** but if they're all not seeing anything wrong with it it makes it even harder. I can't really call out my whole team.
It was also so loud, so much background noise from talking and a karaoke machine that kept giving out microphone feedback. At one point I walked about hoping I could get into a conversation somewhere but ended up jsut feeling extremely self conscious and felt like a lonely weirdo walking about.
I eventually decided I'd had enough (after only about an hour) and left. As soon as I got out the door I jsut started crying. It was so unexpected. I can usually feel a cry when it's coming. But this one jsut happened and I don't really understand it. I found the party difficult but I didn't feel overly emotional until I left.
Im glad I pushed myself. Im glad I tried. But God I just have this image of who I want to be, and when you have solid evidence that you aren't that person, or youve got so long to go to get to that person, it hurts. Not feeling very Christmas this year. I hope everyone is taking care of themselves.
I used to force myself to go to work Christmas parties. I always hated them and regretted going. I never felt so lonely as when I was surrounded by so many people but unable to connect with any of them. It's almost like an out of body experience, seeing everyone around you, hearing the cacophony of loud unintelligible conversations, but not knowing how to be a part of it.
I was always just on the outside, observing everybody having fun and wondering what I was supposed to do - if I was standing weirdly, or if my arms were in a weird position
I used to get drunk to try to cope with the social deficits and sensory issues, but still was unable to participate in the small talk or feel like I belonged. I often ended up sitting by myself looking at everyone having intense conversations with each other and wondering when I could leave and how to tell people I was leaving.
Also more than one person told me to smile, but I didn't realise I wasn't smiling. I don't have full knowledge of what my face is doing and I'm mainly trying to understand very hard what all the social cues mean when there's a lot going on.
After the last work Christmas party I went to I tried to kill myself. And then I never went to another one. I think I realised my limits, and that forcing myself into these situations wasn't necessarily the best thing for me.
Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. You have described so much of exactly what I felt last night.
I feel when I drink it can help, or at least makes me feel less immediately anxious. But I'm not a big drinker, when I get anxious when drunk I feel I cannot cope as well as when I feel anxious when sober, so try to stay in a state that I can cope. Either way, anxiety is there.
I think you've helped me realise that maybe I need to better choose the situations/events I push myself to participate in. I desperately want to connect with people, but deep down I know the environments that will better allow me to do that, and party ones just aren't that.
Thank you again for sharing this Paper, it's really helped.
I can identify with so much of what you have written. I too used to force myself to attend all the office social gatherings, wrongly believing that they would get easier the more I attended. They didn't.
Paper said:It's almost like an out of body experience, seeing everyone around you, hearing the cacophony of loud unintelligible conversations, but not knowing how to be a part of it.
That's exactly what it was like.
Paper said:I used to get drunk to try to cope with the social deficits and sensory issues, but still was unable to participate in the small talk or feel like I belonged.
Again wrongly believing my problems were due to social anxiety I used to drink copious amounts. It didn't help me to talk to anyone. It did help with my fear of eating in front of others and it made me disinhibited about making a fool of myself on the dance floor But talk to people, no still nothing. Looking back I can now see what was due to anxiety and what was due to being autistic and in a totally unsuitable environment.
It is so important that we understand ourselves and when it is not appropriate to 'push ourselves' into completely unsuitable environments that will almost certainly be too overwhelming. What happened to you after your last work party is a cautionary tale and I'm sorry that happened. When society expects attending such events as normal it can be so hard to hear your inner voice yelling that it isn't right for you.
Now that I no longer work I am so relieved I will never have to attend another office party again as long as I live.