Published on 12, July, 2020
My work had a small Christmas party sort of thing in reception. I usually dont go to social things at my work but wanted to push myself out my comfort zone. I don't regret doing it, but God was that a lot more difficult than i expected.
I just get so stuck inside myself in group conversation. Constantly questioning "what do I say now, what can I say to make or progress a conversation, no that's a stupid thing to say" and this internal dialogue jsut keeps going to the point that I just got so insular and have no idea what's being said by others. I don't know many people at my work outside my normal team but I really wanted to talk to others, I just couldn't. It really upsets me. I want to be able to initiate conversation rather than jsut wait and hope someone comes to me.
What didn't help was that some people that I was "kind of" talking to just kept having "banter" about things that were really quite vulgar and at times homophobic. It makes me really uncomfortable, I jsut don't find vulgar things funny. And I want to call out the homophobic *** but if they're all not seeing anything wrong with it it makes it even harder. I can't really call out my whole team.
It was also so loud, so much background noise from talking and a karaoke machine that kept giving out microphone feedback. At one point I walked about hoping I could get into a conversation somewhere but ended up jsut feeling extremely self conscious and felt like a lonely weirdo walking about.
I eventually decided I'd had enough (after only about an hour) and left. As soon as I got out the door I jsut started crying. It was so unexpected. I can usually feel a cry when it's coming. But this one jsut happened and I don't really understand it. I found the party difficult but I didn't feel overly emotional until I left.
Im glad I pushed myself. Im glad I tried. But God I just have this image of who I want to be, and when you have solid evidence that you aren't that person, or youve got so long to go to get to that person, it hurts. Not feeling very Christmas this year. I hope everyone is taking care of themselves.
I was at a work Christmas do once and this one male colleague was going around being disgustingly sexist. He got reported and fired later - it's workplace harassment/discrimination.
If your colleagues can't control their natural bigotry after a few drinks they really shouldn't be working there. You've got to be really stupid to be in work and mouthing off petty prejudices. Depends what the boss is like, though, and if they're a progressive company. Some won't take it seriously, unfortunately.
I usually push myself to go to work doors, stay for 1/2 hours, then leave. Just do the box ticking exercise and eat the free food.
Honestly I've felt ever since I started at the place there's a sort of "lad" culture between some of the people there. Its not like their being abrasively and openly homophobic etc, but its the small "jokes" that are rooted in their own prejudice. It's really uncomfortable.
I'd say something to HR but I don't think it'd make a difference. Not two days ago I overheard one person say when talking to another colleague something along the lines of "I've had a hundred warnings from HR, it's just procedure for them, nothing to lose sleep about". Just makes me feel some of the people don't care about their comments or behaviour, they just brush it off and continue on. It's just frustrating.