Published on 12, July, 2020
So in 2021 (My household consists of 2 children, 2 cats and myself)We moved house. From a really bad living situation in terms of my landlord refused to keep up with repairs, as well as threats of increasing rent because I was repeatedly asking, to also then threatening to increase my neighbours rent because they also owned it if I kept persisting. I in the end turned to the council it had been years already since repairs been done and the living conditions were grim. Black mould on walls, discovered lead pipes under bath, after one of them leaked and brought down the ceiling into the kitchen, oh yea the hole in the kitchen ceiling from the water leak. Putty all fallen out in majority of the wooden glass windows, was very cold all year round. Hole in roof along bumble bees and a chimney being held up by a piece of wood, lower chimney been removed from ground floor and upstairs it was just remaining in the loft for the top of the chimney. Again she refused to repair. Had a council person inspect my emails with photos I had sent, they could not believe my photos they wanted to visit in person. They were silent throughout the visit. My house was condemned not fit for living in. However this was happening during Covid, which brought its own complications. I was told my children and I, would have to be placed into an emergency B&B and my pets would have to be fostered, there was no foster care available during Covid only option that vets would provide was a death sentence, quite literally. I couldn't cope with that, it was overwhelming. I said no to B&B I refused to put down my pets. (My two cats) Stated to them, you need to find me a place I can move into to live in, not a temp where I cannot even own pets. 7 months later still in 2021 I got the phone call that they had a new built house, the last available which suits my household number, do I want it ? but I had to move in within 14 days and make the decision right there and then on the phone to go to view it. Again all these rushed unexpected things happening and forced to make a decision. Discovered it was away from my hometown with zero public transport within a mile no public footpaths a lot of roads unlit. I do not drive because of my autism, I have too much sensory sensitivities which would interfere with ability to stay safe, I was aware of this so never attempted to learn. I had always walked or used public transport to get children to school and myself to work. I had no real choice in deciding this so my answer had to be yes. It had been months already, from when being told its a condemned house but because of my refusal under awful circumstances aka covid and coping with them telling me I would have to put my pets down, to be able to move into a B&B. I Really had no choice but to choose this new house. Everything flew into mad rush and stress, packing up house. Lucky my older child had just turned the correct age to hire a Luton van from a company and we moved things just the two of us to get everything there. I had no support from work they were not allowing me time off. Thankfully my older child was lucky to have a great workplace who allowed them time off work. My youngest was still at high school until the last day we had to get taxi arranged by school as two different directions and times for my other children. One at work other at school. I discovered after finally moving in I was stressed and exhausted with realisation I could not leave the house. There is no pavements, there is dual carriageway and no streetlights and a 60 zone its so dangerous. There is no way I can leave the boundary of the new house. I do not feel connected aware?? of this house although, I feel safe in the house and within the back garden I am fine. When outside the house at the front out outside the back gate, its like a instant disconnect. I need a rope or a thread connected or attached to the building to feel I can get to it. Its such a weird thing, I have seen multiple GPs and self referred myself to psychologists and they just turn to me and blame my autism and adjusting to change, I had another type of therapist who believes its again my autism and I just need to feel grounded since I lived at the previous house for over almost 2 decades. This person didn't offer advice how to "ground me". This move was not something I wanted, I just wanted the repairs done, to the previous house, but my new house is great, I love it, I just am broken now I cannot leave the house without being escorted, there and back to a car. I do not know what has happened to me mentally its like I need a connection to my "NEW" safe space the "new house" and i do not have it. It does not exist. When I leave the house its like a instant disconnect from everything that's safe knowing how to get home. I can be stood on the pavement after getting out of the car and see the house, but I am frozen stuck I need a connection to the house so I end up having to grab my child's arm to escort me to the building of the house and I can then touch the house so I am connected again and fine. It is so weird. If I am out now in the car I feel safe in the car as I know that the car can get me home I can touch the car then reach and touch the house I am okay. But when out I need to be escorted to the shopping trolley and then I Can hold onto the shopping trolley as long as I can see where my family member is I am feeling safe and okay. If I lose sight of them I end up freezing. My breathing doesn't change I do not panic I just freeze until they find me and I can walk again after I have touched their arm I feel connected again. Sorry my explanation or terminology might not be correct ones to select, I am still unsure even after almost 2 years. I miss going to work, I miss being independent, I do not understand why this has suddenly happened to me. When I was a teenager I used to go out for long walks down country lanes without lights and no pavements by myself, I had no anxiety back then, I knew my way home, I had security just by using maps or mobile phone. Now because I am freezing I cannot even get my phone out and feels like a very stupid reaction in myself and leaves me unable to function or do anything to support myself, I hate being stuck and broken like this. I feel I should be fixed and working by now. I do not want to be a burden on my children like I am currently to get me out of the house. I want my freedom back. To be told it will take time to adjust all the time by other family members is just annoying. Perhaps someone can offer suggestions, ideas, solutions, anything pro-active would be pretty much welcome at this point.
I would agree that you need a trauma informed approach, preferably from a therapist who understands autism and ADHD. That's going to be almost impossible to find on the NHS I appreciate.
This isn't about taking time to adjust. It sounds more like a specific freeze or shutdown response to being in a specific area outside the front of your house. The most primitive part of your brain has created a negative association and therefore does not consider that a safe space.
Here are a couple of useful articles to help explain what is happening and why you don't have conscious control over it.
https://www.barrierstoeducation.co.uk/autism-and-trauma
https://embrace-autism.com/the-autistic-brain-and-ptsd/
The cause is likely due to an association with the traumatic upheaval of being forced to move like that. Presumably that would have been the area you had to move all your belongings. It may also be partly sensory trauma, due to being repeatedly put in an environment which overwhelms you next to a busy dual carriageway.
I suspect it is getting worse, as every time you have another bad experience in that place it is reinforcing the belief that it is not a safe space. That goes completely against what you have been told that it will take time to adjust. I know from my own experience that once a negative association has been created it can stay that way for a very long time.
If you don't already it might help to wear ear protection when outside your house, to protect against the noise from the traffic. You could also wear a head torch to help with the lack of streetlights. If you can be outside in that space and feel less overwhelmed may reduce the negative associations.
The fact that you used to be able to go for walks on your own gives hope that things can be like that again in the future.
Moving might be something to consider if you really think the location isn't suitable for you and can face going through all that upheaval again. Unfortunately housing services are unlikely to prioritize you as you are deemed adequately housed. If you want to consider this you could register on the home swapper site for social housing. A new build house would likely be very popular and the lack of pavements or public transport wouldn't put off people with a car.
https://www.homeswapper.co.uk/
Thankyou for your reply. I do not feel "scared" as such its more hmm not sure how to word it. Like I am shutting down. Whilst yes I am fearful of the roads because they are at speed and I am clumsy and lack awareness. I still believe its down to promises made when I came to see the house the first time with the estate agent type person from Muir. I had expectations since it was being presented to me and moving in day arrived and realisation they did not complete the building/housing as shown to me. My garden in back was made smaller, shockingly no fencing down side of property to give security and safety from cars. I have been trapped in my back garden a few times because people over park the carpark and onto my footpath for my property to the front of the house, which goes around my house. Because the car park is making cars park against my property as there is no boundary fencing or railings there in place several times I have not been able to even take out waste bins. Once I have had a van park up and hit my actual house! I cannot even go to places I used to be able to go to independently, now without my family escorting me, like my old shops where I used to live and used to go to daily. It is like when I moved house, I somehow severed all connections that binded me to places. My Old House, Work, Shops, places I loved the beach everything. I hate not being independent I miss my freedom to choose when where I want to go and do. Now it always has to be arranged, hoping I do not intrude too much and hope my reaction is something I can keep pushing forward to be independent.
It does seem that being in that outside space is so overwhelming for you that it is triggering a shutdown response. Shutdowns can include freezing, disconnect and dissociation reactions you describe.
https://mysoulbalm.blog/2022/01/11/autistic-shutdowns-guide-for-neurodivergent-adults/
If you have alexithymia or interoceptive differences you won't necessarily be able to identify your emotions. The shutdowns could be the way your brain is protecting you from experiencing them. If it isn't fear related then it could very well derive from your rightful anger and injustice over the broken promises.
I assume you've complained about the layout and fencing not being as you were informed. Keep on at them because being trapped in your garden of having vehicles hit your house is certainly not acceptable.
As if the huge upheaval of a forced move wasn't enough to cope with in itself you also have had your everyday routine changed beyond recognition. Distress over changes to routines is one of the specific things mentioned on this site that can cause PTSD in autistic people.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/ptsd-autism
It is complex and there are so many aspects that I think you really need professional help to try and process everything. The therapists you have seen appear to have dismissed you because they perceive it as too complex but that doesn't help you The article I linked above also discusses the difficulties in accessing appropriate trauma-focused therapy.
Hi, yes I contacted the housing association told them everything when I moved in when I realised all the things which were not "as shown and or described" in the pictures and plans originally set out. I had numerous phone calls and then visits and promises over the past two years about how they will put up signs, put up a barrier, another person promised they would "look into" getting the fence put right, properly where it should of been, which would make my garden bigger as originally stated. However there is no evidence they have carried out their word. Nothing has changed and I feel my voice is not loud enough for them to take action. They know I have Autism and ADHD. I did also ask them for help regarding the kitchen as I didn't expect a cooker with solid plates and I am often leaving the hob turned on, I am used to induction so when you remove the pan it auto shuts off, and its frustrating realising you are going to have a huge electric bill (very thankful its not a gas oven though) I have also left the oven turned on purely because I thought it was turned off, as the light apparently only turns on whilst its heating up when its reached correct temperature, you would believe its turned off because no lights are on! Such a stupid design. I am relying fully on Alexa for timers as I get distracted doing things and forget about stuff cooking. No help was provided they suggested I just stop using it. I do not feel I have alexithymia I have struggled with matching words to sensations, I learned from doing counselling training in the past about looking internally what caused my reactions to be able to identify things. I remember long time ago when I had to have my first local anaesthetic I asked how it felt so I wouldn't feel scared. So I would then know something is wrong if I felt something different. They could not describe it well enough for me. It was quite frustrating. Not sure where else to go for mental health needs now, I feel like I have been all over the place with different mental health options. I am also registered on single point of access, I had the assessment done recently by council social services by a occupational therapist 3 hour appointment that was at my home. Whilst yes I do feel there was no justice in what happened to me, no punishment towards the landlord who treated me like that and is free to do it again to do it to someone else. I am fully aware I am now with a housing association and I do not feel worried it will happen again. Oh and the landlord sold the house so they did not have to do any repairs! My anger even when upset just turns internally, where I just end up crying, its embarrassing when I want to be angry and shout about something, I end up in a blubbering mess. I am quite settled and relaxed within this house and as I have discussed with other therapists they also do not believe moving will fix this situation. Since my reaction is just like I have no connections to anywhere not even my previous home or places. I do not feel what I believe trauma would be. Its the overall reaction when I get stuck or frozen that is oh *** I am lost. I do not know where I am, how do I get home, where is the car, where is the family member, I end up searching for something I know I am at least connected to who can get me home like my family member is like oh someone has plugged me in and rebooted me lol its weird, my son said it sounds like you been disconnected from the wifi and searching for a new network. Just want to know how to create this connection again.