I feel like I am losing my mind...

Hi everyone. My name is Tim, I am 35, and I am a first time poster.

I am going through some struggles at the moment and having sought out a therapist and spoken with him a bit, it is clear to me that there is something psychologically amiss. I have known for many years that I am "special" and that I am different from other people. Most of my friends and family recognise my quirky nature and my odd behaviours. I generally embrace these things too. However lately, I have been feeling like society is expecting things from me, and whenever I consider these things, it sends me into a very bad spiralling pit of anxiety. I often think about leaving and moving to somewhere where I cannot be touched. I am quite functional and I have no official diagnosis.

I have spoken with other people with aspergers and several have told me instantly that I am an aspie. I also exhibit many traits. I am hyper intellectual, I am tenacious, I have high principles and integrity, I am highly focused on detail, I love routine, social scenarios tend to freak me out, and of course, I quite often misinterpret social cues or the words that people use. There are of course many other things that point to me feeling like I have aspergers. But I feel like I need a formal diagnosis, purely to allow me to at least understand if my sometimes erratic behaviour is caused by this.

The anxiety I spoke of above has been triggered by so many things lately. I know deep down that I am neurodivergent, and yet I constantly feel that society is trying to fit me into a box that I just dont belong in. Sometimes these are small things that trigger me and set me off and then leave me down for days. Then other things are more salient. An example of this was when I was called to do jury duty several years ago. It was a very serious case involving the detailed death of a man by two teenage boys. I was stuck right in the middle of the jury box for three full weeks, and towards the end of the case, I had a full blown panic attack right in the middle of proceedings. They let me out for a bit but told me I had to continue - I wanted to actually die! I think back now at that and it makes me feel anxious. The prospect of having to do it again frightens me so much. I genuinely think if I was "compelled" to do my "civic duty" again like that then I would cut myself to be hospitalised. I cannot face it. This is just one example. There are plenty of other examples where I have become so completely anxious. They tend to all involve being coerced into compliance. As with most people I am happy to do things that make sense, but oftentimes I will look at things from a hyper logical point of view which then leads me to questioning society, socially constructed situations, and so on. It starts to become very complex and I cannot discuss it with others as most tell me that I am just over-reacting, which tends to not help. I sometimes wish I could be around those who would just agree with me, who would see what I am saying, or who would atleast realise that this is not just about compliance, its about me feeling trapped and that I have absolutely no choice. The idea of being trapped in such a way frightens me. Furthermore, it is not something I can just see a therapist about. However, it is something that I am hoping an autism diagnosis may help with. I dont necessarily want to be excused from things, but I feel like if I could just tell people who are dealing with me that I have an official diagnosis, hopefully this will result in them not pushing me as much. Does it even work like that?

I have joined this forum as I just feel like I need a bit of support. I feel a little lost and pointless right now. I have a loving partner who is brilliant and very understanding, I have a wonderful family, and I am generally in a good financial position. Still though, I just feel most people dont understand, or even want to understand me. I feel they just look at me and think I need to get a grip. Do I? I dont know anymore. Im tired thinking about it.

Does anyone here have similar experiences? Is there anything you have done or been forced to do that fundamentally affects you? How did you cope? What strategies do you use?

Thanks for reading. Tim