Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
Firstly, I have been putting off writing this for months - like many others things. I want to try and be brief otherwise I won't do this.
A bit about me, I'm 25 and was diagnosed with Autism at around 21.
Something has happened to me since leaving school. While doing my A levels, I became perfectionistic about my work and I would spend days and days on things. I tired University but left after 3 weeks (I was undiagnosed at the time) and had a gap year - waiting for me to try again at a closer university the following year. That year, I began to notice that I was becoming a bit - I don't know. I was re reading things over and over and I wanted to make sure I read and understood everything I could. Even trying to test myself in my free time on why I read.
When I got to Uni again, I lasted 3 months. Before the first assignment was due, I became a mess. One of the reasons was the work. I need to include every piece of information, read everything, understand it all. But I couldn't do any of it. My brain was telling me to avoid it all.
After leaving, I got a small part time job and it's where I still am however I am full time now. Anyway; on to my current predicament.
Over the last few years this has gotten worse. It has effected everything. My leisure time with video games, TV shows and movies. Filling out forms, everyday tasks and important things I need to do in life.
For example, with video games, it started with me writing a few bullet points while playing a pokemon game such as "after beating the game go back here". This evolved into me writing paragraphs, to then rewatching gameplay on YouTube and making notes to then writing almost all dialogue down in a book. Finally, it's gotten to the point where I re watch gameplay over and over, re read dialogue, test myself to see I know everything everyone in the game said. I want to 100 percent feel like I have explored and beaten the games. however, it's not enjoyable, I hate the feeling I get doing it and I now avoid games completely due to not wanting to do this.
I make notes about everything on my phone. Feelings, Thoughts and such. I have thousands of screenshots sorted of different thoughts from weeks ago such as "Work related". I have even got hundreds of documents where I have transcribed these thoughts. It's exhausting.
I haven't even got started but I already feel bored doing this.to sum up - I get these compulsions and rituals that my brain tells me to do. No matter how much I tell it that it is stupid and try to ignore it - I get physical pains in my brain until I comply. I used to watch tv and play games to relax and enjoy. Now I avoid them because I don't want to do as my brain tells me.
I've tried telling GPs and mental health people but as usual, the ignore me and drop me. Feels like a compulsion and a mutation inside my brain. Like now, it feels angry with me because I haven't included everything but like I said, if I don't write something now, I won't.
My brain also feels like tasks can only be done at the right time, day and mood. I can only play a game for around 30 mins because there will be too much to remember. If I want to play again, I can't. I have to wait for the next day. Reason? I have no idea.
I have wasted so much time and avoided doing things due to this. I'm not sure it's OCD. I don't know what it is. I avoid so much. I don't like for example writing emails because I need to write paragraphs. I don't want to so I avoid it for weeks. Important ones to.
It's all a mess and I have no idea where to go or what to do with it. I feel really stupid, ashamed and horrible.
Not seeing the Whole due to being stuck in every Detail is a natural inclination for being Autistic. This can also work in our favour.
There are a few things happening here that feel like the result of:
1. Absent Insight - nothing to latch on to.
2. A lack of understanding how to grow as a human - nothing to undertake to make lasting change.
We all struggle with internal impulses, some attach an "other" to these impulses and it creates a relief of impending responsibility. A cult member might say "the devil told me to..." instead of saying "my brain told me" or "my spirit guide told me..." And while any of these may be true, that an entity beyond ourselves is seizing the moment to rule over us, here is where a guru or mentor or even therapist might step in and provide guidelines for us to 'overcome' doing things we don't feel rewarded by. What are the necessary steps I take to be more in control of creating consequences I want to have happen (rather than ones I dislike).
Not knowing, or living subject to a completely ambiguous world, can feel a bit like floating untethered in outer space, heading toward an impending and unknown doom. it's very gloomy! One might panic.
Similarly, being overwhelmed and unprepared for life creates the same effect.
First, you need a sense of grounding. What can you rely on? Let's start with gravity, with the four forces which govern our existence. What about seasons? Begin to seek the seemingly invisible systems within nature, perhaps. Rules which are stable: how leaves create and release their colour.
Now I don't want to deter anyone from seeking a higher state of being, a spiritual journey or G-d if need be. There can be quality principles in these that can help shape and give us direction, which you need right now. If anything, you lack vision. What do you want? And I mean, what would you like from life?
If you're interested, Write down reasonable 10 things you want to achieve by next year and 10 you'd like to achieve in 10 years. Fold it up and put it into an envelope and put it away until exactly a year from now.
The psychology of 'bettering' the self has been built on the principle that Reason is to become the master of Instinct. It could be that you are having this conscious 'awakening' into the complexities of your Self. And learning how easy it is to be passive in life. To lull into a pointless routine which is cutting against something deeper in side which has bigger dreams for your Self. One of my favourite philosophers said "We are Many", referring to the self. Sometimes life is a bit of getting to this next level, where you see what you didn't before, the self as a herd in need of integration.
This could be much, but hopefully there's something inspiring here. x