Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
Firstly, I have been putting off writing this for months - like many others things. I want to try and be brief otherwise I won't do this.
A bit about me, I'm 25 and was diagnosed with Autism at around 21.
Something has happened to me since leaving school. While doing my A levels, I became perfectionistic about my work and I would spend days and days on things. I tired University but left after 3 weeks (I was undiagnosed at the time) and had a gap year - waiting for me to try again at a closer university the following year. That year, I began to notice that I was becoming a bit - I don't know. I was re reading things over and over and I wanted to make sure I read and understood everything I could. Even trying to test myself in my free time on why I read.
When I got to Uni again, I lasted 3 months. Before the first assignment was due, I became a mess. One of the reasons was the work. I need to include every piece of information, read everything, understand it all. But I couldn't do any of it. My brain was telling me to avoid it all.
After leaving, I got a small part time job and it's where I still am however I am full time now. Anyway; on to my current predicament.
Over the last few years this has gotten worse. It has effected everything. My leisure time with video games, TV shows and movies. Filling out forms, everyday tasks and important things I need to do in life.
For example, with video games, it started with me writing a few bullet points while playing a pokemon game such as "after beating the game go back here". This evolved into me writing paragraphs, to then rewatching gameplay on YouTube and making notes to then writing almost all dialogue down in a book. Finally, it's gotten to the point where I re watch gameplay over and over, re read dialogue, test myself to see I know everything everyone in the game said. I want to 100 percent feel like I have explored and beaten the games. however, it's not enjoyable, I hate the feeling I get doing it and I now avoid games completely due to not wanting to do this.
I make notes about everything on my phone. Feelings, Thoughts and such. I have thousands of screenshots sorted of different thoughts from weeks ago such as "Work related". I have even got hundreds of documents where I have transcribed these thoughts. It's exhausting.
I haven't even got started but I already feel bored doing this.to sum up - I get these compulsions and rituals that my brain tells me to do. No matter how much I tell it that it is stupid and try to ignore it - I get physical pains in my brain until I comply. I used to watch tv and play games to relax and enjoy. Now I avoid them because I don't want to do as my brain tells me.
I've tried telling GPs and mental health people but as usual, the ignore me and drop me. Feels like a compulsion and a mutation inside my brain. Like now, it feels angry with me because I haven't included everything but like I said, if I don't write something now, I won't.
My brain also feels like tasks can only be done at the right time, day and mood. I can only play a game for around 30 mins because there will be too much to remember. If I want to play again, I can't. I have to wait for the next day. Reason? I have no idea.
I have wasted so much time and avoided doing things due to this. I'm not sure it's OCD. I don't know what it is. I avoid so much. I don't like for example writing emails because I need to write paragraphs. I don't want to so I avoid it for weeks. Important ones to.
It's all a mess and I have no idea where to go or what to do with it. I feel really stupid, ashamed and horrible.
I'm not an expert on OCD, so I wouldn't like to hazard a guess as to whether the traits you have described could be considered OCD traits. What I would like to say is that I don't think you have any cause to feel stupid or ashamed of yourself for the traits you have developed.
I do find it sad that you no longer derive any pleasure from leisure-time activities that you previously enjoyed, due to your "head rules" being so dominant. However, I consider it a good thing that you're fully aware of the negative impact your "head rules" are having on your life, as I think that's important.
The response you have received from your GP and mental health professionals must feel incredibly frustrating. You're left feeling like you are banging your head against a brick wall because you are not being taken seriously and receiving the help that you have been asking for.
If you have access to a printer, then maybe it might be worth printing off what you have stated in your post, and including it in a letter to your GP. It's possible that your GP may start to sit up and take notice of just how much these traits are affecting your life if it is spelled out to them in a letter... as opposed to you telling them during a consultation. Other than that, I'm not sure what else to suggest.