Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm 36 years old and for some time now I've believed that I autistic spectrum condition. I've sought referral through my GP and I'm holding out hope that something happens in reasonably good time so I can try to make sense of how I think, how I am in social situations and how I communicate (or fail to properly).
I am married (for a second time), have 2 stepdaughters and a daughter between the ages of 7-11, so a busy household to say the least. For the past 6 months I've found myself with these almost euphoric highs (which last a couple of days or so), but then soon return to a very neutral-to-depressed low. Before then I'd often been a happy individual, but I don't see myself as myself so much these days.
I could go into all the neurodevelopmental concerns I have, and share the many experiences, but the reason I'm reaching out as somebody with undiagnosed autism is because I'm trying to understand whether what I'm feeling at the moment is depression or whether it could be autistic burnout? Aside form feeling upset, I really don't want to talk to anyone at home, I want things to be quiet (apart from my own music, oddly), and I feel like I'm somehow functioning without being present, if that makes any sense? The only thing is, aside from always feeling exhausted as a parent, it seems like autistic burnout is more of a chronic condition?
I hate the way things feel because I know it's difficult on my wife, and I feel like I'm not much fun with the girls either and that makes me feel worse. One issue is that with the busy routine we have, I really just need to stop and zone out and do something I enjoy, without anybody else being present for a while, but I feel unable to say this to my wife because it upsets her, and it seems to be an ongoing issue of mine that if there's something she wants to do, then it happens even if it might not help me, because I feel totally unable to say that I think I need something and put my needs above hers, I don't know why, conflict avoidance? I don't know, I just feel so trapped and confused. I know I'll feel better in a week or so, but I know I'm going to be here again sometime soon and I really want to know whether I'm just odd and confused, or whether there really might be something else at play.
Sorry, I've completely vommed out a load of stuff, feel free to ignore and move on!
Hi Phatzer, and welcome. There’s a big overlap between the symptoms of autistic burnout and depression and the symptoms you describe sound a lot like classic depression to me if this is a relatively recent development for you.
I guess the first thing you should do is try to find evidence for or against autism as the root cause. Have you done the AQ50 test?
https://embrace-autism.com/autism-spectrum-quotient/
Thanks, Amerantin (former member),
It's not entirely recent, in fact when I was in my teens I felt like this very often and really struggled at secondary school with friends, though never really though much of it at the time.
I took the AQ50 and it came back with a score of 44, which I think suggests a number of traits seem to align with autism. I've only just recently sought referral from the GP, so I suspect I'll be waiting for a very long time yet.
That’s certainly a high score so you’re right to to seek an assessment.
People in different parts of the country report very different waiting times for NHS assessments - they can take years in some places. I gave up waiting and opted for a private assessment but others here will be able to advise on the best route for your area. I think there’s a mechanism called Right to Choose that might speed things up.
Good luck and welcome to the forum. The folks here are a mine of useful information.
Thank you, I'l just have to wait and see now.