LATE DIAGNOSIS BUT NOT SURPRISED

Hello to all,

I was diagnosed with Autism in Oct 2023, because I believe I am on the autistic spectrum. I was of the view that an assessment could provide answers about a lot of aspects about me, for example, my behaviour, in terms of not taking accountability for some things I say and how I say and explain them, understanding whether it is wrong or right, problems with and recognising empathy, expressing emotions and just understanding myself in the way I explain things and why I am a certain way. I do have Dyslexia and believe that, coupled with possible Autism, impacts my daily behaviour in the way that I can feel, think, do and say. And I need to understand myself more because when these things are happening, I can’t identify and recognise them in my head.

Expressing emotion verbally has always been problematic for me as a child and an adult. I tend to keep my feelings bottled up until they manifest as anger instead of trying to explain how I'm feeling. This leads to outbursts that are disproportionate to the situation at hand and make matters worse for me and others. Throughout my life, I have hesitated to express what I want to say to others; this has caused me incredible frustration. I have learnt, especially when I was younger, that it is better to "close up" and not tell others how you feel to prevent uncomfortable feelings. Listening to music has always been my refuge and escapism; however, I can’t help but always feel a deep sense of disconnection within myself. I know that my life experiences have shaped how I deal with pain, emotion and feelings in peculiar ways. One moment, my mind can feel completely blank, like an endless void, an overwhelming wave that instantly changes my entire state of being. It could be frustration or detachment, but I feel disconnected from everyone else because no one understands me. I even find it difficult to understand myself at times. Music makes me feel alive and connected to the world because it allows me to experience real emotions, reflect on past events and try to make sense of them, although I know I never will. Sometimes, I feel like a robot mimicking the emotions I have observed instead of expressing them, almost like putting mechanisms in place”.

The diagnosis for me, provided answers in relation to the above, I have learnt to accept myself, rather than making excuses to me and other people in how I may come across, or feeling "different" about myself.  I am surprised I have come as far as I have.  I managed to obtain a Social Work degree and various other qualifications.  I am currently studying to become a Hearing Aid Dispenser, and knowing about myself is making it that little easier to finally request support, rather than being embarrassed  and being seen as vulnerable.

It is nice I found this website to connect with others I can relate to.