Published on 12, July, 2020
i have become so lonely that i am in tears for several hours a day every single day because i am just so alone. i was finally diagnosed with autism yesterday after seeking a diagnosis for over 9 years, while i am happy this has happened after so long it has only emphasised how isolated i have become
i have three friends, two i don’t really speak to often as they are busy with their own lives and we would be considered more casual friends, and my best friend who i used to talk to all day every day but between them working two jobs (i am unemployed because my autism has rendered me housebound) and developing new friendships & dating we speak far less than we used to. i spend every day refreshing my messages in case i’ve missed a reply from someone. i message my best friend and they reply over 24 hours later and this repeats perpetually. it doesn’t help that all 3 of my friends live on the other side of the country to me, so we can only communicate via text and the rare times we see each other in person.
the only time i speak during the week is for 50 minutes on a monday when i am in therapy, apart from that i am silent and utterly alone. i can’t make new friendships, i can’t go out and meet people, i have no idea how to communicate properly. right now i live with family but i’m about to move out and live on my own which will triple how alone i feel, although i physically live with people right now we don’t speak at all.
i started using dating apps just to speak to other people but i struggle so much with those conversations because they are all just small talk and i get very few matches anyway - but that is a different problem altogether
i spend 24 hours a day alone in my room watching youtube videos and dungeons & dragons podcasts just to hear someone’s voice and try to trick my brain into thinking i have company - but i break down hysterically crying when i remember that these people have friendships and relationships and i am twenty years old and totally cut off from the rest of civilisation. i fill dozens of pages in my journal a week with my devastated ramblings about loneliness and isolation because i have nobody to talk to.
i don’t know how to stress how lonely i truly am, this has been my whole life. i had no friends in school, even at 18 in 6th form i was hiding in the toilets because everyone had their own friendships and i had nobody and couldn’t stand the humiliation of sitting on my own in silence.
Dear Elliot, it breaks my heart to read your post and feel the emotions you have so vividly described. I am thankful to see others in the community have commented some lovely reassuring things and I wanted to reach out and say that you are very welcome in this community where I'm sure you will continue to be supported by those who have gone through similar moments in life.
I was thinking what resources might be good for you to look into if you are interested and thought it might be good to have a look in the area around you for support groups. Our branches offer support to local autistic people and their families. If you interesting in checking if there is a local branch near to you, please follow the link below: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/local-branches Our branches are volunteer-led, and as such every branch and group is different. Some are parent support groups, some provide support and information to autistic adults, while others have office premises and run their own a drop-in service. You will need to check with a branch directly for more information on whether they are able to provide a particular service that you are interested in.
You may find the following page on our website useful: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/post-diagnosis-support
This page might also be helpful as it talks about the support available for autistic adults and children, parents and carers, how to request an assessment or find out about funding for social care please visit: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care
Hope you find something in there useful and remember, there is a wonderful and supportive community here ready to lend an ear when ever you need.
All the best,
SarahMod