overwhelming loneliness

i have become so lonely that i am in tears for several hours a day every single day because i am just so alone. i was finally diagnosed with autism yesterday after seeking a diagnosis for over 9 years, while i am happy this has happened after so long it has only emphasised how isolated i have become  

i have three friends, two i don’t really speak to often as they are busy with their own lives and we would be considered more casual friends, and my best friend who i used to talk to all day every day but between them working two jobs (i am unemployed because my autism has rendered me housebound) and developing new friendships & dating we speak far less than we used to. i spend every day refreshing my messages in case i’ve missed a reply from someone. i message my best friend and they reply over 24 hours later and this repeats perpetually. it doesn’t help that all 3 of my friends live on the other side of the country to me, so we can only communicate via text and the rare times we see each other in person. 

the only time i speak during the week is for 50 minutes on a monday when i am in therapy, apart from that i am silent and utterly alone. i can’t make new friendships, i can’t go out and meet people, i have no idea how to communicate properly. right now i live with family but i’m about to move out and live on my own which will triple how alone i feel, although i physically live with people right now we don’t speak at all. 

i started using dating apps just to speak to other people but i struggle so much with those conversations because they are all just small talk and i get very few matches anyway - but that is a different problem altogether 

i spend 24 hours a day alone in my room watching youtube videos and dungeons & dragons podcasts just to hear someone’s voice and try to trick my brain into thinking i have company - but i break down hysterically crying when i remember that these people have friendships and relationships and i am twenty years old and totally cut off from the rest of civilisation. i fill dozens of pages in my journal a week with my devastated ramblings about loneliness and isolation because i have nobody to talk to. 

i don’t know how to stress how lonely i truly am, this has been my whole life. i had no friends in school, even at 18 in 6th form i was hiding in the toilets because everyone had their own friendships and i had nobody and couldn’t stand the humiliation of sitting on my own in silence.