Published on 12, July, 2020
When it was first suggested to me that I might be autistic I began watching various autistic influencers on YouTube and read books by similar people.
But one glaring thing stuck out for me, and I’ve just come across another example. Specifically, these influencers without exception seem to be married, be in a relationship, have children.
And yet for me the single most life-ruining aspect of my condition is my utter inability to form relationships. It’s like everyone else has telepathy and I don’t. I thought this was one of the defining characteristics of autism.
So are these high profile authors and videographers representative of autistic people or am I the sad exception?
I watched a few of these YouTube accounts. I don't really get on with the term "influencer", however out of the people on YouTube I have seen, I haven't seen many who I've found particularly helpful and a few who I'm somewhat sceptical of. It's difficult for me, knowing that these are monetised accounts, some of whom I imagine are making a decent living from it, and not having the message tainted by this. I don't know why. Saying that, I can't really relate to a lot of them either. It's worth remembering that anyone can create a YouTube account and start making videos so any advice should all be taken with a sceptical eye / pinch of salt. There's no such thing as one size fits all.
"So are these high profile authors and videographers representative of autistic people", I really doubt it. To have the time and confidence to do this you're looking at a specific part of the spectrum and specific abilities. That narrows it down to a very narrow field. What worries me with some of these accounts (and I'm deliberately leaving out names) is how they've evolved from straight up autism awareness videos to incorporating a lot of identity politics. Personally I find that difficult to deal with too for my own reasons.
As for people in relationships. I'm in a long term relationship myself and against all odds have two children. How this has happened is a mystery to me given I too have struggled with forming relationships and have only ever been with this one person, nobody else, ever. A lot of this has come about through me being in "emulation mode" which is a term I'd used with people before knowing about being autistic and thus hearing about "masking" / "camouflaging". Having become particularly burned-out from the lockdown up to now, the relationship is in the process of ending and I'm faced with the prospect of all the change that comes with that too. I've not seen much in the way of people discussing this kind of thing in YouTube videos and how they've dealt with them. I can imagine the next few years is going to be particularly overwhelming.
For what it's worth, I've found more relevant and interesting things in written format, blog posts and obviously some of the written experiences of people using sites like this especially as you can see conversational input from other people asking particular questions in near real time rather than a single monologue to the camera.
Just my ten pence worth - as usual :)
I’m so sorry about what you’re going through just now. I hope your relationship can be saved. Relationships are the most precious thing in life.
And your ten pence is made of gold :)