Is there a new AQ50 or similar?

You are absolutely right thank you. It's the fear that's holding me back, and I think I actually feel a kind of terror. That is the thing. I've been planning to use stalling techniques in person but I still haven't managed it and I think that's because I'm scared. I am taking baby steps to take a little risk, and then another. But I do think it would help to do through this with a therapist, and role play would be fantastic. I think I will make another attempt at a referral.

Thank you so much Iain.

I hear you but I don't think I had an assumed normality to hold on to. From about the age of 3 I was trans in a socially conservative area in the 80s and 90s. I'm not someone who's really ever passed as normal for the majority of my formative years anyway. Everyone knew I was strange.

I don't know, the more I talk about it the more confused I get.

Jamphrey said:

When I act, I feel absolutely free, and it is the only time I know for sure that I am unmasked; that's because there are no stakes, it's not real, there are no consequences to be scared of.

Then for you the difference is the risk - both involve you puting on a different persona but only i has a risk of consequences.

Jamphrey said:

It happens automatically, without my permission, without my having any control over it, but only around people I don't feel entirely safe or comfortable around,

Here there is risk - you are masking on subconcious level to protect yourself from harm, judegement or some undesirable outcome.

I think you now realise the why, and you also know the how, and if you can keep your awareness of the situation in your mind then when you see it happening you can decide whether or not to go with the masking or chose a different act to give.

Awareness is the key - after you can feel it happening then you have the option to stop and modify the behaviour - if you can overcome the fear of that change.

I would use some stalling techniques in the conversation (eg saying "let me think about that for a minute" while you adjust the mask) then pick up the conversation again with you as the modified character - one truer to who you want to be.

You have not lost control of it, you are just not yet brave enough to make the change, to take that risk and risk being seen for who you are. That fear or rejection or worse is what is most likely holding you back.

If you need to, get a therapist to work you though it and roleplay some scenarios - it can be very useful.

You are very welcome! 

Jamphrey said:

I was really looking for a test with questions that provide insight into the internal processes behind masking

I am not sure that this kind of test exists but I have just started reading a book on autistic masking by Kieran Rose which may give you the insight you need:

Autistic Masking:

Autistic Masking: Understanding Identity Management and the Role of Stigma https://amzn.eu/d/2lhzV0N

I should probably add for context that I really like people. People are my special interest. So truthful and connected social interaction often feels exhilarating and fun. A lot of the stuff about observing people and modifying my behaviour just feels like progressing in my special interest. I used to not think I was allowed in the autistic club because i considered myself to be amazing at social interaction. It's only now I realise that I have a lot of problems. For me it's very complicated to pull all these threads apart.

I very much feel that masking is a protective tool. For decades I’ve been trying very hard not to be “found out” and constantly worried that it was about to happen.

But I agree some aspects of it are completely unconscious.

I act. My favourite actor often says "We contain multitudes", another saying is "Acting is behaving truthfully under imaginary circumstances". When I act, I feel absolutely free, and it is the only time I know for sure that I am unmasked; that's because there are no stakes, it's not real, there are no consequences to be scared of.

It's hard for me to recognise your description as being the masking that I struggle with. Even though I do all of those things. A lot of it just seems like naturally progressing in the social world, it doesn't feel like anything other than me just being me. But yeah, I probably automatically assess what kind of person I need to be for this person in front of me and I transform into that person. Most of the time that just feels like bringing out different sides of myself, sometimes I worry that it's insincere.

It's the automatic part that I struggle with, and I want to understand so i can have more control over it. It sounds more conscious when other people talk about it. And it never quite feels like what I experience. I wrote a description of what I experience on another thread on masking:

Masking sometimes feels to me not like I'm putting something on but that I'm leaving something behind. It happens automatically, without my permission, without my having any control over it, but only around people I don't feel entirely safe or comfortable around, including my lovely parents unfortunately. It feels like stepping through a doorway but only 60% of myself makes it to the other side. It feels a bit like a vigilant state, the interaction is like a river with a strong current that I need to cross with a rowing boat. Sometimes I can be charming, truthful, kind, assertive. But afterwards I can't shake the feeling that I wasn't all there, my objective was not to have a conversation but to just get through it. I have a problem with this because it often translates to not standing up for myself or not expressing an emotional reaction or not saying something important that I would have otherwise said. It causes me distress and creates distance in my relationships.

I am  trying to work out the balance between what are traits I just need to accept (for example my processing delay on emotions, I'll always need a lot a time to respond to things that require a lot of emotional processing) and what are things I can transcend.

We often speak of masking as a protective tool, but I believe that this tendency to want to just get to the other side of an interaction as quickly as possible (and therefore avoid conflict as much as possible) has left me open to being bullied. It bothers me a lot therefore to think of this as something that I cannot transcend.

Jamphrey said:

I was really looking for a test with questions that provide insight into the internal processes behind masking

Masking is not a very complex thing - it is just how we evolve a way of behaving that allows us to stand out less and get more done.

We observe how others act, we note how out actions have effects and try to move our behaviours to have the desired effect. Acting in other words.

We do it to be seen as normal typically, or to have less of an impact from our natural behaviours (eg to make people feel less uncomfortable around us).

Can you be more specific about what you want to understand please?

That's fair enough.

Thank you for the link!

That was not entirely clear from your original post. Here is a relevant scientific paper for you - a free full version download is available: https://discovery.ucl.ac.uk/id/eprint/10130518/

It is called "Self-reported camouflaging behaviours used by autistic adults during everyday social interactions."

I was really looking for a test with questions that provide insight into the internal processes behind masking but thank you.

I was really looking for a test with questions that provide insight into the internal processes behind masking but thank you.

Hi thank you that was interesting. I think this might have been what my friend was referring to. I took the test and got a normative score for an autistic man but the questions didn't give me the insight into masking I was hoping for. They didn't really reflect my experience.

Hi . This is not a test about autistic experience as such but it is the Monotropism Questionnaire.

https://dlcincluded.github.io/MQ/

It is not an autism test but a very good indicator of whether you might be autistic as we autistic people are very commonly monotropic.

Try the RAADS-R test, it is far from perfect but its discrimination between autistic and non-autistic is claimed to be better than the AQ 50.

Have you tried the CAT-Q test, it specifically targets masking and camouflaging.

embrace-autism.com/.../