Mum lied on my ADI-r

They sound completely ignorant. If you were in a wheelchair, wore a hearing aid or used a white stick would they treat you like that? just because they can’t see a disability doesn’t mean you don’t have one. Some employers would rather dismiss employees with disabilities than provide reasonable adjustments 

Can you contact the Assesor to tell them that actually you have had significant difficulties since you can remember?  It sounds as if your Mums in denial but that won’t help you through life. Can you find someone else who has known you well very since you were a small child, who will give an honest account of the difficulties you’ve have had?

Well done! That's good to hear.

Just to update, I finally had my feedback appointment today. The clinician said that I didn’t meet the threshold in the assessment part with my mum but because of the extra information I provided, I was being given an autism diagnosis. 
I was above threshold for the other parts of the assessment so thank you all for the advice to speak up as otherwise I still wouldn’t have a real answer. 
thank you  

That is quite normal. Parents tend to lie through their teeth, especially when their parenting techniques were "questionable". Many parents can't be arsed to help their children and just hope that by laughing it off and ignoring them, the problems will just go away. Do not bother arguing with her. Get you assessment and be done with her. Go low contact or no contact as soon as you can.

Thank you both.

i will update once I have heard something back. I was told it could take up to 2 months but I’m hoping it won’t be quite that long  

That's great, really positive

I hope it all goes well for you, keep us updated, our fingers are crossed!

You can appeal any decision you are not in agreement with, ask for a second opinion

I really understand what you mean about finally forgiving and accepting yourself

It is a long journey, and to look back with a fresh perspective that puts it all into focus means that you have a fresh start moving forwards

Onwards and Upwards,

Playing catch with the thread.  Good.  I'm glad you've e-mailed them.

I'm sorry you went through that.  Have you asked her why she said those things?  Some parents just can't face the fact that their off spring might be autistic and pretend to themselves there's nothing out of the ordinary... Some parents just don't notice that anything IS out of the ordinary.  My mother was clueless about my medical phobias because I internalised everything as a kid and never once said to her I was terrified.  Plus I think is has a huge number of traits herself and that doesn't equip her to notice.  My mother's never had a friend outside of the family and rather seem to think it odd that I actually had friends as a teenager.  I don't think she saw why I wanted or needed any.  Surely family is enough?  

I'd concur that it might be a good idea to write to them telling them that you overheard that conversation and that her perspective, for whatever reason is completely different to your own.  You might want to look for other evidence to back you up.  Is there any comment in your school reports about bullying or not socialising etc.  Did you keep a teenage diary documenting this stuff?  If so, you might want to copy and send that to them.

Thank you for the advice. I have emailed them and tried to remember everything that I felt needed correcting from what I heard of the conversation and they have said that this will be forwarded on to the clinician. 

Hopefully it captures most of the inaccuracies. 

I am certain that it fits. Since I started looking properly in to diagnosis, I found that it so wholly explains so many things and I had started really beginning to... for want of another word,  forgive myself and finally begin to accept myself. 

When Mum came and said that the clinician said she believed it was just social anxiety it felt like a bullet to the chest.

I'm sure they come across this all the time

They won't know your concerns unless you tell them though

It's Monday tomorrow (sorry to state the obvious)...perhaps you could ring them, or send an email?

Also, having to do the questionaires so fast must have been really difficult, you needed time to reflect, and give accurate answers.

Try not to feel too bad, this is on them

It would be worth trying to sort it now though perhaps, rather than appealing it or asking for a second opinion later.....just a thought

I hope it all goes well for you.  

It helps to put your past experiences into the correct context, and to have it officially affirmed, to finally get some answers.  Though, self-diagnosis is fine too, when you know, you know. 

If the narrative describes your inner landscape and helps you come to terms with things and move forward, it fits!

Possibly… but she seems to accept my children’s diagnosis and I thought she had started educating herself and she had before pretty much said that she believed I was. 

I found the whole experience very confusing, as it’s like she agreed with my concerns and seemed to validate my experiences when we talked about it beforehand but then said totally the opposite when on the phone to the clinician.  

I’m wondering whether she was worried about getting herself in to trouble. I don’t know that her parenting methods would be approved of

In hindsight, I probably should have done that but I genuinely thought she would be honest

When I had my autism assessment for the part they asked for my mother to answer if possible I asked if they could not do this as it would be unreliable in my opinion. They agreed to this and the assessment was completed by dealing with me only 

It all happened very, very fast. I got my call only a week after I had spoken to my doctor saying there had been a cancellation and I would have my appointment the next morning and I needed to complete them immediately so the clinician could read it before my appointment.

so I rushed through it with very little info as I thought that my appointment would be discussing my experiences anyway. I didn’t know it would be doing tasks and that I wouldn’t have further opportunity to discuss things. 

I feel really naive for not looking into it properly. thank you for your advice. I guess for now I just have to wait to hear something back and hopefully there is a way to appeal if it sounds very inaccurate

Jessica S said:

I’m 33 and I rely heavily on my mums support so I don’t really feel comfortable confronting her about it,

Did you not have to fill out a questionaire about these events in your childhood too? There should have been input from both of you where you would have talked about these events.

If not, when you get the result and it if says you are not autistic then I believe there is an appeal process where you can state that the information provided by the parent was inaccurate and incomplete. This is common for people with elderly parents whose mental faculties are not up to the task.

If you can remember the questions then write your own answers and ask your mum to check them with you to see if these tally with her recallection. She may have forgotten or more likely blocked those memories as they would have been traumatic for her too to see her daugter sticking her head through glass doors etc.

Sometimes we make up a more pleasant memory to replace a traumatic one as a way of dealing with the pain. I wouldn't be too hard on your mother as I get the feeling she has her own issues to deal with too - possibly even sharing autism to a degree as well.

If you need any help in getting a response then let us know and hopefully someone here will know the current procedure to lodge an appeal.

im guessing your mum covered it all up because she thought you was getting into trouble or something?

I think mostly she is embarrassed that she didn’t notice or maybe noticed but didn’t do anything. 

With my daughter, I was sure something was wrong and I kept saying, “I’m sure this isn’t typical behaviour.” And she kept brushing it off saying, “no, it’s normal. You behaved exactly the same at her age.” And then my daughter got her diagnosis at 2 and the clinician said, “usually we don’t like to diagnose this young but it’s very clear from her behaviour so we are happy to give a diagnosis today if you agree with it.” 

This is why I started to look into assessment in the first place because the clinician she saw suggested it. 

I thought mum was going to explain it all and maybe just say that at the time she hadn’t heard of autism or something but instead she said I just behaved normally and then the conversation progressed and wherever something was clearly abnormal with my behaviour she would do a long pause and then give an example from one of my siblings. 

The clinician she spoke to seemed to have made her mind up when she ended the call. My questionnaires gave so little info as my mind was blank and I was told I had to complete them Immediately so the clinician could read them before the assessment so most of the info is from her conversation with mum.  

I’m 33 and I rely heavily on my mums support so I don’t really feel comfortable confronting her about it, because I need her and I don’t think I can speak to the clinician now that my report is being written up. Plus it sounds like she made her mind up. It’s fine if I’m not but it just feels like this will have impacted a proper result. 

I think that some parents see a diagnosis of neurodivergence of their child as a bad reflection on their parenting skills. You need to educate your mother that your being autistic has absolutely nothing to do with her parenting and everything to do with your brain being wired up differently, and therefore operating differently, from the brains of the majority of people. Having said this, your mother was also obviously putting her own interests above yours, as I am sure you informed her that you wanted a diagnosis for your own welfare, which is worryingly selfish. I'm a parent and would put the interests and wellbeing of either of my children before my own, it is part of what being a parent should be.