Published on 12, July, 2020
What things do you do, or have you done, to help you hang on and believe in yourself?
As a kid I just didn’t have an ego at all, I just felt like I was being told what to do by everyone, mocked, used, abused and generally disliked and ignored. Finding a place of complete freedom where I could feel myself just being myself, free of the tethers of mundane existence sort of allowed me to validate myself, see that there was something worth fighting for, because at my best, at my most free I was amazing. It didn’t change things on the ground be it gave me an emotional release which was key to my mental health.
Although it doesn’t change anything on the ground, one my way of doing this, is to get ecstatic experiences in various different ways, that sort of pops me out of the misery for a while, and things seem brighter on return. Stuff I do, or have done is as follows:
Autistic guitar, or other instrument playing, play three or four notes over and over again until I start to feel something then really lean into the same notes to sort of express something, just do it over and over and over again until I feel something, and then when I feel something really focus on that.
Exercise - build it up gradually and gradually until I start to feel something then lean into the emotion and build and build and build until I’m really pumping and sweating and feeling something.
Dancing - alone or at something like 5 Rhythms, which is a bit cultish, but their whole thing is about absolutely getting completely out of you nut and, the best thing is, you literally don’t have to talk to anyone at all, or dance with or near people, so its sort of the best of both world, you get to dance like a complete outsider with the absolute support of everyone else around you, but you have absolutely no obligation, implied or overt to be social.
Mediatation - there are ecstatic practices in Sufism and Osho stuff, or Buddhists get off their heads by focusing and mindfulness. Some schools will repeat a mantra in their heads or out loud for like hours at a time which get you completely blitzed. You do have to put up with the religious bullshit though.
Overtone singing - singing one note for minutes on end, listening for the overtones, doing this with other people, if you like where you can hear this subtle noises that seem to be at one time part of you and at another some kind of weird pattern of sound intelligence.
Normal singing groups - its a real buzz in relaxed groups, you don’t have to read music you just sing with people and don’t have to be in tune, usually its just one or two people who can sing who sort of keep things moving along and in tune, and everyone else just has a good time. The sense of singing in harmony when it comes together is beyond words.
Walking - for me this works best at the moment, I use the rhythm of my walk to sort of move my feelings and thoughts about - I live in London so no one seems to bat an eyelid at me walking quickly or slowly, after an hour or so I seem to really chill out. I do occasionally have to deal with what’s going on in the street or park interacting with me, but I like that random element these days as it seems to help with the process, but it has more feeling of risk than the other things that are done in safe spaces.
I’d be really really interested in the ways other people try to balance the account of positive and negative experiences (though I think we should talk about experiences with drugs in a different thread, because I think that is slightly different) - the things that have helped them hang on in life, and believe in themselves.
early on all i had was gaming, so i spent alot of my childhood just gaming and shutting myself in which my parents didnt like and blamed the games console instead of realising the escapism was helping and making me feel good and escape this lame world into a better one.i still game but slightly less, i do alot of martial arts and fitness now, that makes me feel badass as i can replicate it pretty well and it feels smooth and i feel im good at physical copying of things so i can pick up martial arts pretty fast, and my fitness is pretty much endless as everyone else is dropping before me. my body is solid from it and it really makes me feel valuable and badass and better than the regular human beings. its also important when your alone, as lonely people need to be badass, need to be able to not only stand alone but be as if they are a entire group of people all inside one body in their ability. this transfers onto work were i then end up being able to push 4 people off a job and do all of their jobs all at the same time faster and better than them which then makes me feel good at being useful.
Yes, makes sense, definitely relate. I did a lot of gaming as a kid, in arcades, and then on early personal computers, but sort of lost touch with it after 16 and through uni, because consoles weren't a thing then. Great for socialising too, so I sort of regret losing touch with it.
The whole thing about feeling badass and doing the job of four people, definitely relate to that - being in charge of a team, designing the product, coding, keeping time and talking to managers - it was good to, finally feel like I was respected. At the time, I was doing a lot of running and weight lifting to keep me focused, and feeling high, which are great exercises for someone less coordinated like me. Personally, I found out I was running on adrenaline in life and work a lot, so after 10 years or so burnt out, and just walking and playing music has taken over. I'm sort of wondering if I'll have to go back to running if I want to get back into the 9 to 5, but I don't think I could push myself to those limits any more though.
yeah i probs burnt out as my supervisor doesnt like me and promotes juniors above me and doesnt give me credit for my hard work and even someone overheard him say hes rather quit than see me ever be promoted or progress in this job. then i got attacked by him and all his cronies in a dog pile reporting attack so i got punished alot and on final warning now despite all of my hard work and doing better than anyone, so that sorta burnt me out probably. even description of a burnout at work describes exactly what they did to me as reason for one in descriptions online of a burnout. i hung on though and am still there, although im still miffed a bit at it and dunno who to trust there, paranoid about everyone and knowing they will want to finish my contract off in another attack. so feels like im on borrowed time there. but yeah, i can say alot of things what i am capable of i dont think its wise for them to just maliciously cut me loose as it wont end out well for them, like kicking a dog and torturing it then letting it loose of its muzzle, its only going to bite them isnt it...
Yeah, it sounds so familiar. From my point of view, I have to say that the initial feeling of being accepted went to my head, I got very creative - its not that I told people they were idiots, or swore at people - its just my disdain for their fluff, their blather, their fuzzy thinking that was all about how they looked and nothing to do with solving the problem - that became obvious and rather than learning to be better people, they just considered me to be the village idiot who didn’t know the rules of the game, and had to be taught a lesson about how to properly feel out the unwritten rules, and navigate the corridors of power with more subtlety.