Being infantilised by my parents

HMO said:

Is it looking out for me when, when I signed up to an advocacy service, they pleaded with me to tell them I didn't want it because, in their eyes, "they tear families apart"?

NGL that sounds really bad, because if they are treating you any kind of right then they should have nothing to worry about from you using an advocacy service and be happy you are getting help to speak up for yourself. That they are afraid of what might happen if you get to speak up for yourself means they do not respect your agency or needs and would rather you suffer than them feel uncomfortable.
Pls sign up to the advocacy service again. You shouldn't have to suffer just because it's convenient for other people, not even your parents.

yeah i dont even know what toxic masculinity is because even if you raise a kid as a gentleman or whatever.... people say being a gentleman is toxic masculinity too.... so you cant win on that, it seems like its all just hate on a man for being a man, no matter what your son does he will be considered toxic by this mindset just for being a male. seems like a radical feminist thing that spread the idea of toxic masculinity.

im gonna go on to trees and seeds again as i have been doing for a while now in everything lol..... anyway.... its like planting a see in hopes to grow a tree, but then you say you want to raise that tree to not be a tree because you hate trees and think trees are toxic.... it will still become a tree no matter what, and you will just end up chopping it down when you see it growing into the tree it will become, or you will have to accept that a tree is a tree and you planted it, you cant change the tree into anything else..... well you can i suppose when you chop it down, you can then turn the lumber into a chair or a table.... well damn thats my point ruined lol ...but yeah, when you do that the tree is dead and chopped down, no longer grows anyway. so i suppose that might save my point there.

My son is about your age and yes, this is infantilising. When I was in my late 20's I read a book by two Christian therapists, Cloud/Townsend, on raising boys as I was concerned for his well being and toxic masculinity. It helped me understand when my inclination as a mother was unhelpful in his becoming a man. These aren't principles of parenting we are actively taught. 

You could, buy them the book if they came from a bit of a church background, it's not really too religious. 

Opening another adults mail is illegal. You don't have to advocate further, just politely inform every time it happens and matter-of-factly let them know this is a police matter if they protest (trying to help is unhelpful). And affording DIGNITY is free. It costs us nothing other than a little conscious thought and internal discipline of stopping ourselves, which usually helps us become less controlling and more attractive to the world around. 

"affording dignity is free" - also an easy FYI, practice saying this without too much intensity. It can be hard to afford others something not afforded to you, but this is a key element in becoming a human others regard as considerate, reliable and kind.

The issues you're up against have nothing to do with being or not being autistic. They're matters of respect and of ethics. 

If parents are investing in things, they tend to have a say. We can examine the royal family to see how this works with a good deal of wealth. 

You won't know if you can survive on your own until you try. What's the worst that could happen? 

I'd accept the bike thing if it wasn't put across in a way I considered to be overly dramatic. Sometimes I feel that it does impact a lot of decisions I make because I can't summon up the energy to stand my ground.

The fact I'm afraid to be in the same room as my mum (when it's just the two of us) cos I'm afraid she'll start ripping me to shreds about my life is probably a clear sign that something is up.

I tried to find an advocate but I've always been afraid of taking my need for it seriously.

They were convinced of Monsters under the bed.

Though, my Father being killed in the Troubles didn't help matters.

it is said that overprotective parents that smother you is potentially the cause for autistic traits due to them isolating you and smothering you at a developmental age. my parents too were very controlling and over protective. perhaps alot of us have this in common here?

Your parents are definitely super controlling and I'm sure that is taking its toll on your mental health. I hope you can figure out something that'll make this easier. 

They're right about bikes though. Bike theft is way up these days and when you were 13 your bike probably wasn't worth stealing. It's not a reason not to get a new bike, but definitely be careful. 

I have literally just broke free from my family and I am 35. What a relief.. 

Probably the hardest thing is braking away from them and trust me I thought I was going to lose my family by doing so.. Yeah so they hated me for 2-3 weeks but now it was like nothing happened and I have stuck to my guns on this one and it seems to be working.

I understand completely your frustration, it even got to the point where they were disagreeing with the partners that I was choosing. Wanting to know my every movement. If my car wasn't parked outside my home, they would phone deliberately and ask where I was and who I was with.

But before making the break with them (that is if you want to).. Make sure you have everything in order first Like being able to live independently without their help and support. This is where I struggled as I relied on family too much. But now I do everything for myself. 

Just be careful how you approach it. I had somewhat an excuse I could use to break away from mine and making them think it was in the best interest of myself. Don't get me wrong the entire family turned against me for 2 weeks.. The loneliest I have felt as I only got family as a support network. But it can be done. Keep smiling my friend 

The culture my parents are from doesn't help. 

Grief, and trauma, is weaponised; these days.

It creates fear in the other party.

Adults are no longer encouraged to grow up. All we hear is, "They'll buy, and sell, you!"