Published on 12, July, 2020
I am stepdad to an 18 year old aspie. I married his mum 10 years ago and we spent many years doing things together and had a good relationship. He was sporty, ran in a local half marathon and did boxing. During Lockdown, he couldn't train at the boxing gym, so he started training in his bedroom and the garden. His routine has taken over his life as he has been training for up to 12 hours sometimes. He has a fixed routine and also runs nearly every day and I can see that he is getting thinner and thinner. He will miss family events and college instead of missing his training and he as become an angry, distant and irritable person, who to be honest is a nightmare to live with. He also refuses to wear clothes most of the day, wandering around in his underwear. When I try to speak to him about anything, he walks away and gets angry. if I ask him to do anything such as tidy his own room and bring down all the plates, cups, glasses, cutlery and rubbish that he accumulates. Also there are the usual piles of dirty clothing mixed up with the clean stuff. His mother thinks that I am responsible for some of his traits and often blames me for not doing enough, but he refuses to communicate with me and won't see sense. This all started on Christmas day 2022 when his cousin who is also his uncle and his brother, stayed with us and they both decided to sneak downstairs and open all their presents during the night. For some reason, they both decided to blame me for spoiling Christmas and proceeded to tell other family members that they hated me. Its not been the same this then and its actually tearing apart my marriage and the fact is, he does nothing positive or helpful or any acts of kindness in our house anymore. I don't know what to do.
Sounds like your stepson is only part of a mix of other problems.
How is his mum accepting his autism. Why blame you for his autistic traits? Makes no sense, they are embedded in his genes. Something needs addressing there.
What role have these cousins got within the family? Something needs addressing there?
As for your stepson, all sorts of things could be going on. The training is clearly his specialism, but is he also needing it more to escape the frictions around him? And the lack of clothing and disorganization...well, his clothing sensitivities may have increased and his executive function be failing more under pressure. (Mind you my NT son never mastered the importance of laundry separation and hurding dirty dishes to the dishwasher before he went to university - to an extent that's teenagers for you). Yes, the weight loss is concerning. Is this also a sign of stress.
I am in no way absolving your lad of his personal responsibility, but it does sound like in order for him to pull his act together, he may kind of needs those around him to stop sparring with eachother too
The key I think is in getting you and your wife singing from the same hymn sheet. Hardly your fault if he walks around in his undies instead of going to college, but you do need a joint, unified approach to communicate with him and get to the bottom of what's stressing him and how you can support him to balance life out a bit for everyone's sake. Blaming you won't help.