Published on 12, July, 2020
Good afternoon all and I hope you are keeping well.
I am going through a family court case and I need some assistance. Without going into too much detail on a public forum. I am the parent who is looking to get full custody of my two children. What I need to demonstrate to the family court and judge is how will I be able to manage with having two children.
I understand completely that my solicitor/barrister are trying to see this from a professional sense. But they do not know what I am physically and emotionally capable of.
For instance, the last melt down or 'falling off the rails' was early 2021. What the court are going to ask is what will happen if and when the next melt down or depression commences.
I have family members who are unable to support physically due to health or work commitments. So family members can only offer emotional support which is fair enough. I understand and accept every individual has their own lives to contend with and live. From a practical sense, I have no support in place in the instance that I do have an emotional break down, I would not have any contingency plan in place for what will happen to the children. I am not saying that I will ever need to use it, but I need to ask you all if you have contingency plans in place yourselves?
I appreciate that this is a hard discussion for me to make public. And honestly I did not want to make this public, hence why I have not gone into any specifics on here.. If you do not feel like you can comment publicly I totally appreciate that. I have my inbox open to all members. So please if anyone has any ideas for myself, do please get in touch.
The alternative option is adoption for the two children and I have considered this massively. However, I personally have not been given any opportunity to prove myself. But firstly I need to demonstrate how I will cope if I become unwell. I have literally no one other than family.
alex__ said:The alternative option is adoption for the two children
I'm a little confused here - you say it is a custody case but with the only alternative being adoption, I don't see there being much if a case against you.
Is the other parent or guardian also contesting custody?
The reason this is important is that with your history of meltdowns, some shared custody sounds like the more practical approach for the welfare of the children, but of course we don't know the background here so the other party(s) could be the source of the issue.
On a purely practical basis your case has significant weaknesses, especially if the competing guardians are aware of it and can demonstrate that it would leave the children vulnerable.
There will be othe factors such as your ability to finance the wellfare of the children and provide a home for them - is this all in place and secure?
Your lack of a support system is something I think you will need to work on. It can be tough for an autist to ask for this and engage with others regularly but it is for a very important reason so I would recommend trying to work through your reluctance / discomfort and build those bridges and let others help if they are willing and able.
For your own wellbeing I would also suggest getting a therapist to help you with the stresses that come with raising children without another partner (if there was trauma from the separation then this could lead to the children being in need of therapy themselves). This would be part of your support system and will help your case.
If you end up juggling a job and raising the kids alone then you won't get much time to recharge which is a good way to build the stress and anxiety that lead to burnout or meltdown, so built that support system both for the kids and for yourself.
The single biggest task I see is to demonstrate what support you would have in the event you are ill / burnt out / incapacitated. Think about it, speak to those closest to you to brainstorm options and build connections where you need to in order to have something you can demonstrate in a court should it come to it.
There is a phrase in my old line of work - "failing to plan is planning to fail". It seems relevant here.
It could be that your only alternative is the existing guardian / other parent and short of them being an outright danger to the children you should not discount the option. The childrens welfare needs to take priority and even if there is tremendous animosity there, it should be considered as a last option.
Sorry it is a bit vague but without the details to work from it is the best I can think of for now.
Note that none of this is advice (we are not allowed to do that here), just me thinking out loud what I would do in your situation.
Yes the finances and a secure stable home are all in place. the only thing that is not in place is a plan should I become ill. However, since the separation, my mental health hasn't played a significant role. I was just worried for the children's safety even eventually the kids were put into care. which was a massive worry off my shoulders. I can provide everything for my children through thick and thin.. I just need to be given that opportunity to prove that I can do it.
alex__ said: I was just worried for the children's safety even eventually the kids were put into care. which was a massive worry off my shoulder
A core part of your case will be to demonstrate through the testemony of your therapist / psychiatrist that the previous relationship was the root cause of the issues and that you have shown significant improvements since.
Your solicitor needs to advise you if this is legally a good idea as cross examination can be a minefield.
The other thing the other side will throw at you is whether the stresses of having sole responsibility of the kids will affect your mental health too. You need to talk this through with your solicitor too and possibly also with your therapist.
For your support network, is there any more extended family you can build connections with to potentially help out in the worst case? This will be more for show in the court case than to be used in real life, but it won't hurt to actually have some connection there to potentially build on.
Is connecting to people a challenge for you?
work related stress because they will not approve my reasonable adjustments with having autism.. Don't worry I have a union rep holding my hand through every step of the way and it is with ACAS and it will be going to employment tribunal..
I have got all of my affairs in order. Just need to demonstrate that I can do this. Shared custody is out of the question for definite. It is either me or adoption I am afraid to say. I have exhausted every option applicable to me to keep them out of the adoption system. I have asked family to care for the children, I have even asked close colleagues from work.. I have literally attempted every avenue possible. And me is the only option left before adoption.
But in three weeks time, the conclusion will be in. I just need to keep focussed and do what is best for my two gorgeous children. Even if that means I have to wave a white flag and support the adoption in the end. I be doing it for my children. But I am not giving up with out a good fight.
Thanks for listening and your input Iain.
alex__ said:I work (currently on sick due to work related stress
I expect this will be raised in the court case too - probably along the lines of "if she is stressed now and off work then it will get a lot worse when she has to raise the kids too".
You need to formulate a good response to this with the help of your solicitor.
It does sound like you are going to have a lot more stressers on your place if this works out so I would be careful about considering if it is viable for you to do.
I would love to be super supportive and tell you to go do it, but I want you to be confident that this is within your capabilities. Only you know this and it is not my place to question it, but for what is at stake please be realistic for both your own sake and that of the children.
Is shared custody completely out of the question? No need to tell me, but ask yourself.
Good luck with the case and I hope you get the outcome you want.
I do not think so. I have had it since I was very young.. 4-5 years old. So I know no different.. It is exacerbated tremendously in social situations. But yeah I have known no different since the age of 4. Will make you aware I also have CP. But even if all these difficulties, I have lived independently on my own for the last 16 years. I drive a car, I work (currently on sick due to work related stress).. So yeah my health conditions do not defy what I can and cannot do. I just have to make allowances for certain situations which I have managed to cope with the bulk of it. Just being able to socialise is probably the hardest thing I am currently faced with. Everything else I have found a 'work around' for.. May take me 20 times longer to do a task. But I love that satisfaction of yep, that's done and i tick it off in my mind