Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago at the age of 31 and I definitely wasn’t expecting this huge sense of imposter syndrome!
What I find confusing is my issues didn’t really start to come to light until I was 17/18 and started having panic attacks (they generally happened in busy environments or around flashing lights). After that it was down hill from there and my ability to function just got worse and worse.
Prior to that though I was so good at hiding the things that made me anxious and I never really shared my emotions. I don’t recall having panic attacks and coped reasonably well with flashing lights etc. While especially in my teen years I always felt different for no particular reason, I still managed to get by with no obvious issues.
I did stim as a child and teen but very subtly (scalp picking, picking the skin around my nails, swinging on chairs, smelling things, rubbing my feet together when in bed, dancing, moving about a lot etc) but as I went into adulthood and I became more educated about stims I definitely started doing more obvious stims (rocking, ticing, singing, swaying from side to side, rolling of the eyes, nose scrunching etc) I sometimes feel I started doing them due to being influenced. Yet I now can’t stop doing them because they make me feel so much happier. This whole thing is confusing to me.
Why do you think a lot of adults who get diagnosed late seem to have got by with no obvious signs until something big happens to them as they get older? Why do you think as we get older we can’t seem to cope as well? I would love to know other people’s thoughts on this because it blows my mind that I had this my whole life yet managed to get by and function.....
Hi Aimeelou1992
Thanks so much for your lovely post.
I am in a similar boat to you - I am 35 and was just diagnosed maybe 2 months ago. It's all new to me too.
I was a very content child, I think, but coming into later child years and certainly early teen years I began to have issues. A lot of the issues I had were with my 'mental health' I put that in inverted commas, because we probably know now that I wasn't mentally ill, I was a traumatised little child who needed help.
I think growing up you just have to learn to cope to a degree, to fit in best you can at school, etc. It's really hard and maybe you feel quite alone, but we got through it.
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 30 and autism recently and it all just makes a bit more sense. I also have a parent who is clearly (yet refusing diagnosis) autistic, and a sister with rampant ADHD. So that makes the pattern clear!
Well done for making it this far and please don't feel sad or lost, we're all here and we're all nice :)
Thankyou for your kind words :)
It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions for the last 2 weeks trying to navigate my way around this diagnosis. It’s like I’ve been grieving in a weird way. That sudden realisation that I have spent my whole life trying to fit into other people’s expectations.
Before my diagnosis I thought I had pretty decent social skills but have realised I have good skills on the surface, but deep down there’s a real lack of understanding. I’ve just started a new job and this job is the first one I’ve gone into letting my mask down a bit, and requesting adjustments but then I have a hard time understanding what a reasonable adjustment is, and if they say no I take it super personally. My manager is very nice but try’s to be your friend as well as your manager and I’ve found it really difficult to understand boundaries with her, which has caused me a huge amount of stress. I can unintentionally be a bit inconsiderate and self absorbed, especially when under stress and not understanding the expectations, which I feel terribly guilty about. In some ways I feel it was easier to mask, but at the same time masking is what has caused my declining Mental Health.
It’s crazy how this diagnosis has made me really look at myself and realise so many things. There’s a lot that makes sense now!
It has been nice to come on this forum and find people I can actually relate to for once. Not being able to relate to others has been a big issue for me. Even when I did have friends, there always seemed to be some kind of disconnect. It’s been exhausting.
That and in my case sometimes a sense of loss / grief over what might have been if I had been diagnosed when I was 18 or 21 say instead of 50. It doesn’t last long - there’s no point crying over spilt milk - but I do feel that way occasionally - normally prompted by discussing my life history with someone be it a new medical professional, friend, etc.