Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago at the age of 31 and I definitely wasn’t expecting this huge sense of imposter syndrome!
What I find confusing is my issues didn’t really start to come to light until I was 17/18 and started having panic attacks (they generally happened in busy environments or around flashing lights). After that it was down hill from there and my ability to function just got worse and worse.
Prior to that though I was so good at hiding the things that made me anxious and I never really shared my emotions. I don’t recall having panic attacks and coped reasonably well with flashing lights etc. While especially in my teen years I always felt different for no particular reason, I still managed to get by with no obvious issues.
I did stim as a child and teen but very subtly (scalp picking, picking the skin around my nails, swinging on chairs, smelling things, rubbing my feet together when in bed, dancing, moving about a lot etc) but as I went into adulthood and I became more educated about stims I definitely started doing more obvious stims (rocking, ticing, singing, swaying from side to side, rolling of the eyes, nose scrunching etc) I sometimes feel I started doing them due to being influenced. Yet I now can’t stop doing them because they make me feel so much happier. This whole thing is confusing to me.
Why do you think a lot of adults who get diagnosed late seem to have got by with no obvious signs until something big happens to them as they get older? Why do you think as we get older we can’t seem to cope as well? I would love to know other people’s thoughts on this because it blows my mind that I had this my whole life yet managed to get by and function.....
I think for me it was like a dam finally breaking. The energy reservoir to 'masking' ratio was reaching a tipping point, and then some life events in my early forties did the rest. I'm still rebuilding myself, but I have the advantage of way better self-knowledge now. Was/is there imposter syndrome intermittently in the mix? 100%. - that is, when conditions are not challenging me. As soon as they are (and it doesn't take too much!), it's 0% doubt instead. And those are the times we need to remember. And the expert report that confirmed 'diagnosis' doesn't magically vanish each time we have a wobble triggered by neurotypicals being unable to understand our lived experience.
Good to see you again, hadn't seen you around here for a while (although I've been an intermittent visitor here myself lately). I hope everything is OK.