Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago at the age of 31 and I definitely wasn’t expecting this huge sense of imposter syndrome!
What I find confusing is my issues didn’t really start to come to light until I was 17/18 and started having panic attacks (they generally happened in busy environments or around flashing lights). After that it was down hill from there and my ability to function just got worse and worse.
Prior to that though I was so good at hiding the things that made me anxious and I never really shared my emotions. I don’t recall having panic attacks and coped reasonably well with flashing lights etc. While especially in my teen years I always felt different for no particular reason, I still managed to get by with no obvious issues.
I did stim as a child and teen but very subtly (scalp picking, picking the skin around my nails, swinging on chairs, smelling things, rubbing my feet together when in bed, dancing, moving about a lot etc) but as I went into adulthood and I became more educated about stims I definitely started doing more obvious stims (rocking, ticing, singing, swaying from side to side, rolling of the eyes, nose scrunching etc) I sometimes feel I started doing them due to being influenced. Yet I now can’t stop doing them because they make me feel so much happier. This whole thing is confusing to me.
Why do you think a lot of adults who get diagnosed late seem to have got by with no obvious signs until something big happens to them as they get older? Why do you think as we get older we can’t seem to cope as well? I would love to know other people’s thoughts on this because it blows my mind that I had this my whole life yet managed to get by and function.....
Hi, your story seems quite similar to mine. My own opinion is that the stresses of work, meeting schedules, keeping myself fed and the house clean - all responsibilities of adult life - are what causes the inability to cope. At school and university, for those who go, we have a predictable, structured environment that interests us, and usually live with others who help take care of our needs.
Personally I noticed a big decline as soon as I left university and started full-time work. There were flashes of struggle beforehand, particularly in hindsight, but the environment and lack of expectations allow a grounding and control that I've sorely missed since. After all, what is a student expected to do but study something they're passionate about and drink?
I have also found my ability to have decreased steadily over the last decade. I do genuinely believe its a build up of stress from performing in the adult world. It's a very difficult process and I don't personally deal well with accepting what I've lost. Hope this has been some help!