Published on 12, July, 2020
The years I’ve been accused of a lot of things a lot of different times. Mostly in relation to things driven by aspects of my autism that people took objection to. Looking back and reflecting I started to notice that the way I’ve dealt with these situations has changed over the years.
My first reaction to an accusation used to be to give some one what I call a bruised toe apology. as if you were apologising to someone who’s toes you’d had just stepped on. It’s not really intended as an admission of culpability. You didn’t mean for it to happen and you couldn’t possibly have foreseen it happening and wasn’t as if you were unusually careless. It’s more an expression of regret your actions inadvertently caused somebody else pain.
But I have discovered that as the years have gone on and I’ve been attacked more and more and accused more and more I’ve stopped giving these apologies. Too often they are interpreted as some sort of admission of guilt and people will turn around and say well he admits it therefore we’ve every reason to punish him and blame him and censure him and kick him out.
There are some people who just don’t want to be reasonable and who will never be satisfied with an apology or an explanation. They’re too many people out there who will judge you guilty as soon as the accusation is made and will admit no latitude for any consideration on your behalf.
It’s been my experience that if you make an apology these individuals will jump on it and use it as grounds to try and convince everybody else that you are guilty as charged; must be excommunicated as soon as possible. Conversely if you make no apology they will accuse you of being completely uncontright, incorrigible and therefore completely unworthy of any consideration. You can’t win with these people, but if instead of apologising you start by attacking the substance of the accusations as soon as possible and as directly as possible you at least have a chance to stop them shutting down the debate before it starts.
If your defence is that your autism occasionally causes you to come off as a bit of an arsehole adopting an argumentative approach that makes you seem needlessly belligerent is not actually that harmful to your case. Afterwards after you’ve made all your arguments, inserted all the caveats, then you can make your apology. just make sure that no one could mistake it for an admission of culpability.
The important thing is to get your foot in the door in the argument so those open to the possibility of autism as an excuse can actually get to hear your side of the story
So I’m really curious to hear how you deal with being accused? Have you noticed the way you handle it has changed over time?
I'm factual so if I was being accused I would challenge that accusation and demand all the evidence and facts to get the bottom of it and more importantly, find out what grounds the accusations are on. I was accused of being a shoplifter once because I was lurking, apparently, I wasn't I was just waiting for the large group of people in the frozen section to depart...
I do own an autism alert card now so I can back up my actions in situations like these as its traumatising being accused of anything when you're in a busy shop without having to explain about autism on top of everything.
I think that’s generally a good approach to take. Unfortunately sometimes people respond by telling you they can’t tell you the facts because of confidentiality.
of course this is absurd. If you are guilty you already know the facts. And if you are innocent then you’re either subject to a false accusation or someone who has misunderstood the situation.
What I would do in that situation is point out that autistic people are more likely the non-autistic people to unintentionally generate a complaint and failing to engage with the autistic person about the facts of a complaint in order to determine whether it was intentional or unintentional could in and of itself be discriminatory.
people really really don’t like that answer but it’s very difficult for them to argue around it except by putting their foot down saying no you’re wrong we’re not having it.