Published on 12, July, 2020
The years I’ve been accused of a lot of things a lot of different times. Mostly in relation to things driven by aspects of my autism that people took objection to. Looking back and reflecting I started to notice that the way I’ve dealt with these situations has changed over the years.
My first reaction to an accusation used to be to give some one what I call a bruised toe apology. as if you were apologising to someone who’s toes you’d had just stepped on. It’s not really intended as an admission of culpability. You didn’t mean for it to happen and you couldn’t possibly have foreseen it happening and wasn’t as if you were unusually careless. It’s more an expression of regret your actions inadvertently caused somebody else pain.
But I have discovered that as the years have gone on and I’ve been attacked more and more and accused more and more I’ve stopped giving these apologies. Too often they are interpreted as some sort of admission of guilt and people will turn around and say well he admits it therefore we’ve every reason to punish him and blame him and censure him and kick him out.
There are some people who just don’t want to be reasonable and who will never be satisfied with an apology or an explanation. They’re too many people out there who will judge you guilty as soon as the accusation is made and will admit no latitude for any consideration on your behalf.
It’s been my experience that if you make an apology these individuals will jump on it and use it as grounds to try and convince everybody else that you are guilty as charged; must be excommunicated as soon as possible. Conversely if you make no apology they will accuse you of being completely uncontright, incorrigible and therefore completely unworthy of any consideration. You can’t win with these people, but if instead of apologising you start by attacking the substance of the accusations as soon as possible and as directly as possible you at least have a chance to stop them shutting down the debate before it starts.
If your defence is that your autism occasionally causes you to come off as a bit of an arsehole adopting an argumentative approach that makes you seem needlessly belligerent is not actually that harmful to your case. Afterwards after you’ve made all your arguments, inserted all the caveats, then you can make your apology. just make sure that no one could mistake it for an admission of culpability.
The important thing is to get your foot in the door in the argument so those open to the possibility of autism as an excuse can actually get to hear your side of the story
So I’m really curious to hear how you deal with being accused? Have you noticed the way you handle it has changed over time?
Peter said:Self reflection is important and highly beneficial. But did it ever occur to you to reflect upon your accusers and why they might be motivated to accuse you?
You and I have disagreed more than once I think with regard to our perceptions of women, in particular in the context of autism.
What I haven't seen you do (at least not often, I don't read every thread) is to acknowledge what others say and then incorporate the views of others into your own.
At least, you could give others the benefit of the doubt.
I don't know you in 'real life' and in your interactions with people, I just see what I read here.
I just wondered whether some of what you are experiencing is related to being rather intractable in your views.
The ability to change and to question ourselves is important in our relations with others.
Debbie, speaking as someone who has both of you in their "friends" group (I think) I have to point out that we all can at some point get "intractable in our views" (I do like your turn of phrase, there!).
I Sperg said: I have to point out that we all can at some point get "intractable in our views"
Yes, I agree ...
With regard to you and I and the disagreements we have had, I think I understand to some extent the basis upon which your views are held.
As this is a personal point which you have only mentioned in passing from time to time, I won't elucidate further.
Even if I can myself be 'intractable' in 'defending' women's place in society and the struggle to reach this point, I do at least try to understand why someone might believe differently to me.
I think that seeing another's person's point of view and then trying to understand it is imperative in our relations with others, along with respect.
Cheeeeeeese.
Number said:I think it should be cheeeeesy badgers in a hot mess.
You are slightly bonkers, aren't you?
I Sperg said:I just tried to P.M. Debbie, and it took me straight to a P.M. conversation I have had with Number...
Just PM'd you.
Well that is strange - I haven't PM'd with Debbie today.
The only conceivable explanation is........wait for it..........badgers. You're welcome.
No wait, after reflection, today, I think it should be cheeeeesy badgers in a hot mess.
Whoa, this is weird!
I just tried to P.M. Debbie, and it took me straight to a P.M. conversation I have had with Number...
SO I tried it then by looking at her I.D. using the PM function on that and it still took me back to my conversation with number.
Simple by adding up the avaialble data one can only conclude therefore that they are in fact one and the same person!
As a "conspiracy theorist" of course, I simply don't trust the "easy to obtain data", nor do I trust the logical conclusion based on gut feeling and common sense (both held these days to be incredibly unreliable) so I am looking for more information.
If everyone could do this, we would be doing much much much much better as a species right now !