Published on 12, July, 2020
The years I’ve been accused of a lot of things a lot of different times. Mostly in relation to things driven by aspects of my autism that people took objection to. Looking back and reflecting I started to notice that the way I’ve dealt with these situations has changed over the years.
My first reaction to an accusation used to be to give some one what I call a bruised toe apology. as if you were apologising to someone who’s toes you’d had just stepped on. It’s not really intended as an admission of culpability. You didn’t mean for it to happen and you couldn’t possibly have foreseen it happening and wasn’t as if you were unusually careless. It’s more an expression of regret your actions inadvertently caused somebody else pain.
But I have discovered that as the years have gone on and I’ve been attacked more and more and accused more and more I’ve stopped giving these apologies. Too often they are interpreted as some sort of admission of guilt and people will turn around and say well he admits it therefore we’ve every reason to punish him and blame him and censure him and kick him out.
There are some people who just don’t want to be reasonable and who will never be satisfied with an apology or an explanation. They’re too many people out there who will judge you guilty as soon as the accusation is made and will admit no latitude for any consideration on your behalf.
It’s been my experience that if you make an apology these individuals will jump on it and use it as grounds to try and convince everybody else that you are guilty as charged; must be excommunicated as soon as possible. Conversely if you make no apology they will accuse you of being completely uncontright, incorrigible and therefore completely unworthy of any consideration. You can’t win with these people, but if instead of apologising you start by attacking the substance of the accusations as soon as possible and as directly as possible you at least have a chance to stop them shutting down the debate before it starts.
If your defence is that your autism occasionally causes you to come off as a bit of an arsehole adopting an argumentative approach that makes you seem needlessly belligerent is not actually that harmful to your case. Afterwards after you’ve made all your arguments, inserted all the caveats, then you can make your apology. just make sure that no one could mistake it for an admission of culpability.
The important thing is to get your foot in the door in the argument so those open to the possibility of autism as an excuse can actually get to hear your side of the story
So I’m really curious to hear how you deal with being accused? Have you noticed the way you handle it has changed over time?
It's simple, I don't get accused of things because I don't do bad things or pi*s people off! Just be nice and stay on the right side of people and they will leave you in peace. It's a win/win solution!
I can't hold myself responsible for NT misintrepretation of my autistic behaviour.
Mmm, not sure about that matey.
NAS86592 said:misintrepretation of my autistic behaviour
Are you sure about it being your autistic behaviour that's getting you in bother, and not just you being a bit of a *** and trying to make excuses? It sounds like the latter to me.
The OP gave two examples where he's been apparently 'horribly wrongly accused' of something: telling a stranger, not least a police officer who was apprehending him that she looked like a lesbian, and telling an offensive joke in a public place. In both instances, he could easily see and predict that the things he was saying would or could be considered offensive or upsetting to others. So in that case, it's best not to say them - isn't it? That way nobody's feelings get hurt and nobody gets 'accused' of anything.
People can't just go around being *** and then crying "no but my autism! Boohoo". I'm autistic too, and I somehow manage not to be a *** to people around me.
In summary: being autistic doesn't make you an ***, being an *** makes you an ***.
[edited by moderator]
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Be nice to one another and enjoy chatting with others. We encourage conversation and respectful debate; please be aware that individuals may give opinions which are not shared by other members. Insulting posts or comments making personal jibes will not be tolerated.
I made it very clear I was giving hypothetical examples. Although not entirely hypothetical because I expected someone to respond in this way. The hypothetical example of an autistic person calling a police woman a lesbian was in fact a reference to this https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-leeds-66462895.amp where a young autistic girl was arrested for doing exactly that. I think most people would agree that this was an act done without any kind of malice or ill intent.
I invite you to reconsider your assumptions about how obvious it is that someone will find something offensive. it’s not at all obvious even to Neurotypicals sometimes and even less so for autistic people.
I would need to be a true a***hole to upset a professional who is trying to help me! I remain within my stated parameters.