Published on 12, July, 2020
The years I’ve been accused of a lot of things a lot of different times. Mostly in relation to things driven by aspects of my autism that people took objection to. Looking back and reflecting I started to notice that the way I’ve dealt with these situations has changed over the years.
My first reaction to an accusation used to be to give some one what I call a bruised toe apology. as if you were apologising to someone who’s toes you’d had just stepped on. It’s not really intended as an admission of culpability. You didn’t mean for it to happen and you couldn’t possibly have foreseen it happening and wasn’t as if you were unusually careless. It’s more an expression of regret your actions inadvertently caused somebody else pain.
But I have discovered that as the years have gone on and I’ve been attacked more and more and accused more and more I’ve stopped giving these apologies. Too often they are interpreted as some sort of admission of guilt and people will turn around and say well he admits it therefore we’ve every reason to punish him and blame him and censure him and kick him out.
There are some people who just don’t want to be reasonable and who will never be satisfied with an apology or an explanation. They’re too many people out there who will judge you guilty as soon as the accusation is made and will admit no latitude for any consideration on your behalf.
It’s been my experience that if you make an apology these individuals will jump on it and use it as grounds to try and convince everybody else that you are guilty as charged; must be excommunicated as soon as possible. Conversely if you make no apology they will accuse you of being completely uncontright, incorrigible and therefore completely unworthy of any consideration. You can’t win with these people, but if instead of apologising you start by attacking the substance of the accusations as soon as possible and as directly as possible you at least have a chance to stop them shutting down the debate before it starts.
If your defence is that your autism occasionally causes you to come off as a bit of an arsehole adopting an argumentative approach that makes you seem needlessly belligerent is not actually that harmful to your case. Afterwards after you’ve made all your arguments, inserted all the caveats, then you can make your apology. just make sure that no one could mistake it for an admission of culpability.
The important thing is to get your foot in the door in the argument so those open to the possibility of autism as an excuse can actually get to hear your side of the story
So I’m really curious to hear how you deal with being accused? Have you noticed the way you handle it has changed over time?
"My telepathy skills are wanting. You'll have to be more direct."
"Don't put me in a Double-Bind" (a type of trap, where other would like to force you to choose 1 of 2 evils, the devil and the sea and all that)
While these 2 phrases have come in useful, I've taken practical steps to secure necessary precautions so I don't end up in situations with people who don't know me. This is from a great deal of trial and error and severe failure over the years, and so I set these precautions in place long before I knew anything about Autism.
The first is to evaluate who is safe and who is not. Remind myself it's OK to remove myself from individuals who are toxic (...to me - this doesn't mean they're inherently bad, but would be a liability to my livelihood and create more health problems than I would care to manage). For all of you here, you can imagine how difficult it is to sever any bond. This was emotionally hard and eventually I found a few days to a week tops with Xanax helpful when I needed to do this. After a week, I discovered it's psychologically easier.
This was a learning curve with ADHD friends before I knew what ADHD was. One in particular who's not always reliable and I occasionally work with. But heart of gold and doesn't appear to, but always listens. He's one of my closest friend to this day. But lives far away.
Most people are not trust worthy, but also, trust is a MASSIVE responsibility. I was taught about this all wrong when growing up. I learned in my 30's to implement rules / techniques on how to afford someone room to earn my trust and also prove myself trust worthy in return. Psychological trust is no less an investment than a financial trust. Tuppence are fine for someone you don't know.
I also learned to find these metaphysical systems within principles (friendship, marriage, dignity, respectfulness, and so on). Once I learned to adhere to this 'higher' system, I actually began to feel internally grounded. And then I began to expect the same in others before I would allow myself to be any degrees of vulnerable around them.
One of the best things I've learned in the last 10 years is that most NT's will engage with one another through this role playing of a psychoanalytical "guilt-debt" relating-with. This is what Freud based Neurosis on, this daily ritual of an exchange, and it's everywhere. It's part of what makes society 'civilised' to some degree. It's specifically what creates NT PDA (Such as ghosting) and it's the underpinning of why Autistics will be accused of a 'lack of empathy'.
This became a valuable realisation because I don't feel or sense doing things out of a guilt or indebtedness, so I had to find the flip side to this coin, in other words, how can I operate in a way that is more genuine because it's OK to do my part? My only guess here was to make an active effort to create a little gratitude, which then provided an essence of humility, which allows doubt to be a friend rather than foe. It's seemed to work in my favour more often than not.
You say most People are not trust worthy.In that case it might be an idea not to share so much about yourself on here.
I've not seen Juniper share much in the way of personal info, more really ideas and thoughts.
OH Sperg ! You.re my HERO !