Published on 12, July, 2020
The years I’ve been accused of a lot of things a lot of different times. Mostly in relation to things driven by aspects of my autism that people took objection to. Looking back and reflecting I started to notice that the way I’ve dealt with these situations has changed over the years.
My first reaction to an accusation used to be to give some one what I call a bruised toe apology. as if you were apologising to someone who’s toes you’d had just stepped on. It’s not really intended as an admission of culpability. You didn’t mean for it to happen and you couldn’t possibly have foreseen it happening and wasn’t as if you were unusually careless. It’s more an expression of regret your actions inadvertently caused somebody else pain.
But I have discovered that as the years have gone on and I’ve been attacked more and more and accused more and more I’ve stopped giving these apologies. Too often they are interpreted as some sort of admission of guilt and people will turn around and say well he admits it therefore we’ve every reason to punish him and blame him and censure him and kick him out.
There are some people who just don’t want to be reasonable and who will never be satisfied with an apology or an explanation. They’re too many people out there who will judge you guilty as soon as the accusation is made and will admit no latitude for any consideration on your behalf.
It’s been my experience that if you make an apology these individuals will jump on it and use it as grounds to try and convince everybody else that you are guilty as charged; must be excommunicated as soon as possible. Conversely if you make no apology they will accuse you of being completely uncontright, incorrigible and therefore completely unworthy of any consideration. You can’t win with these people, but if instead of apologising you start by attacking the substance of the accusations as soon as possible and as directly as possible you at least have a chance to stop them shutting down the debate before it starts.
If your defence is that your autism occasionally causes you to come off as a bit of an arsehole adopting an argumentative approach that makes you seem needlessly belligerent is not actually that harmful to your case. Afterwards after you’ve made all your arguments, inserted all the caveats, then you can make your apology. just make sure that no one could mistake it for an admission of culpability.
The important thing is to get your foot in the door in the argument so those open to the possibility of autism as an excuse can actually get to hear your side of the story
So I’m really curious to hear how you deal with being accused? Have you noticed the way you handle it has changed over time?
I tend to try to placate people, I'm not sure really what else to do. I'm not good with people, generally speaking, I have no interest in superficial interactions, which seems to be what people enjoy. I don't get them and they don't get me.
I am doubly damned by looking nice, people like that. All I ever heard when I was a child was 'Isn't she pretty!' from adults around me, as if I wasn't actually present myself. And now I'm beautiful, apparently. Whatever that means. I couldn't care less, it's not in my value system and means nothing to me. Appearances have never been a factor for me and I just don't get why it even matters.
Unfortunately, it does matter to almost everyone else. They make all sorts of assumptions about me - I'm kind, generous, fun, etc.- and then, when it turns out that I don't fit their expectations they despise me. It's almost like I've betrayed them in some way, by not actually being what they imagine.
And by doing that, inadvertently, I then become dishonest and wrong to them, like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. Usually that's when the persecution starts and I am blamed for everything, even though it's rarely my doing.
I'm not really trying to elicit sympathy by saying this, but maybe it's ok to share here...
I don't know how to solve it, there doesn't seem to be an answer
You don't need to solve it. Stick to your guns girl.
I can't tell you the amount of times its been suggested by other women I should dress differently.
Women can be the worst- they just randomly hate me. It doesn't seem to matter that they know nothing about me!
I'm so pleased to find that it's ok to be honest about this here..
I Sperg said:That never sits well with the competition. Even if you are not actually competing
That seems to be true - even though I'm absolutely non-competitive in pretty much everything. I have my own interests, not never - but rarely - involving other people. I have a narrow focus, most else is invisible...
Actually Pegg, you are.
You've revealed yourself to have some substance and some physical beauty both of which are seriously strong attributes when it comes to obtaining a mate.
That never sits well with the competition. Even if you are not actually competing...
Hnag = Hang