Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post, I hope people will read or at least answer the first question:
I'm wondering what your childhood was like, how normal was it? Did you play with siblings/children? Did you engage in imaginative play?
My story:
For the previous 2.5 years I gradually became convinced that I must be autistic because I have a lot of autistic traits and score very highly on AQ50 and RAADS-R. Multiple people in my life have suggested to me I might be autistic which is what made me first research it. I'm at the extreme end for most autistic traits
So I pursued a diagnosis with Psychiatry UK, and am filling in this self-assessment form. Firstly it brought up a lot of negative memories. Writing about what's happened in my life (from teenage years onwards) is dredging up a lot of buried pain. But I'm also having serious doubts about the whole thing because of the childhood section. I'm so confused.
The thing is, I think I had a relatively normal childhood. From what I can tell I was a nice normal little boy. My mother says I was a normal baby and a "very good boy". I didn't cry too much and she never had any problems. I have teacher reports from primary school and my teachers all said I was settling in well at school, had an active imagination, and was conscientious and their favourite person to teach. I had swimming lessons, music lessons, I wrote imaginative stories and drew pictures of things I made up or invented. I did not have meltdowns.
I found a box of childhood photos and an old diary, and I appeared to do things with other people, I had a friend and went to his house, and mostly led a normal childhood. In photos I looked happy.
None of this matches the picture I had of myself as this autistic person who has struggled with everything. Autistic people should exhibit signs in childhood, they should not have friends or do normal childhood activities. Now I'm doubting it all, I feel like such a fraud. I was thinking of not even continuing with the assessment, but I suppose since I waited for so long I might as well go through with it - a negative result is still useful so I'll know for sure that I am or am not autistic.
But what I don't understand is how I have so many autistic traits. To name a few:
So what is going on here? When someone told me I might be autistic and I started reading up on it, it was such a revelation because it explained so much of how I am. It seemed to fit exactly, in every way.
So if I'm not autistic, then what is wrong with me? What happened to that sweet little boy I used to be? Autism is a childhood neurological disorder, you can't acquire it, so I don't understand why my childhood suggests so strongly that I am not autistic. Do I just have social anxiety and a lot of autistic traits? A variety of personality disorders? I can't explain the sensory problems though.
I keep vacillating between being certain I'm autistic and then thinking I'm a fraud and stupid to have thought it.
The professionals can get stuff wrong, but you might need to consider you might just be experiencing a bit of 'imposter syndrome', before concluding you aren't autistic.
An awful childhood isn't obligatory for autistic kids. In the right environment we can thrive and be happy like any other kid.
Parts of my school days were pretty hvorrible for all sorts of autistic reasons, but parts were good too. My teachers loved me, I was studious and the lid of the sensory pressure bottle didn't normally fizz into meltdown until I was home.
I had friends. The bullies were hell, but there were the arty, drama, academic types too - they were accepting.