Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post, I hope people will read or at least answer the first question:
I'm wondering what your childhood was like, how normal was it? Did you play with siblings/children? Did you engage in imaginative play?
My story:
For the previous 2.5 years I gradually became convinced that I must be autistic because I have a lot of autistic traits and score very highly on AQ50 and RAADS-R. Multiple people in my life have suggested to me I might be autistic which is what made me first research it. I'm at the extreme end for most autistic traits
So I pursued a diagnosis with Psychiatry UK, and am filling in this self-assessment form. Firstly it brought up a lot of negative memories. Writing about what's happened in my life (from teenage years onwards) is dredging up a lot of buried pain. But I'm also having serious doubts about the whole thing because of the childhood section. I'm so confused.
The thing is, I think I had a relatively normal childhood. From what I can tell I was a nice normal little boy. My mother says I was a normal baby and a "very good boy". I didn't cry too much and she never had any problems. I have teacher reports from primary school and my teachers all said I was settling in well at school, had an active imagination, and was conscientious and their favourite person to teach. I had swimming lessons, music lessons, I wrote imaginative stories and drew pictures of things I made up or invented. I did not have meltdowns.
I found a box of childhood photos and an old diary, and I appeared to do things with other people, I had a friend and went to his house, and mostly led a normal childhood. In photos I looked happy.
None of this matches the picture I had of myself as this autistic person who has struggled with everything. Autistic people should exhibit signs in childhood, they should not have friends or do normal childhood activities. Now I'm doubting it all, I feel like such a fraud. I was thinking of not even continuing with the assessment, but I suppose since I waited for so long I might as well go through with it - a negative result is still useful so I'll know for sure that I am or am not autistic.
But what I don't understand is how I have so many autistic traits. To name a few:
So what is going on here? When someone told me I might be autistic and I started reading up on it, it was such a revelation because it explained so much of how I am. It seemed to fit exactly, in every way.
So if I'm not autistic, then what is wrong with me? What happened to that sweet little boy I used to be? Autism is a childhood neurological disorder, you can't acquire it, so I don't understand why my childhood suggests so strongly that I am not autistic. Do I just have social anxiety and a lot of autistic traits? A variety of personality disorders? I can't explain the sensory problems though.
I keep vacillating between being certain I'm autistic and then thinking I'm a fraud and stupid to have thought it.
I was also a relatively "normal" child. Academically strong, imaginative, no obvious meltdowns, no obvious sensory issues that anyone picked up on. I had a couple of friends. This was part of the reason my autism was missed at my first assessment. Some of us learn to mask at a VERY young age, particularly if we're intelligent and able to watch and learn from the behaviour of those around us.
You mention having "a friend" -- I think the singular is telling. Most children would have several friends. Some autistic children do find a friend or a couple of friends, often other neurodivergent children. Other times, a neurotypical child will befriend the autistic child and "teach" them how to function in neurotypical society, what Tony Attwood calls a "mentor friend." This was my main friend in primary and secondary school; the other friends I made were largely made through him. When we began to drift in different directions in our mid-teens, I became quite lost and that was what led to my first burnout.
Also, even if you're not autistic, thinking you were autistic and then finding out you're not doesn't make you a "fraud" unless you've been trying to use your autistic identity to get money somehow, which I doubt.
You are a wise man, writing wise words. We have established between ourselves on a previous occasion that we are quite different from each other in some ways.....but your writing above reminds me of some of our profound and core similarities of lived experience. I take comfort when this happens, so thank you.
I love your new picture.
That's interesting man ! Can you show us the non-Hebrew interpretation by Bing AI? I'm not inclined to dabble with the AI yet - I don't think I can do it (or myself) justice. A few weeks ago, I went to book a table at one of my favourite pubs......it was an AI on the phone.....so naturally, I got a booking for Mr No No.
Disambiguation - When "it" had inappropriately asked for my name, I had said No - twice!
Thank you! I think there is comfort when we find core similarities with others, particularly if we've felt alone for much of our lives.
There is a bit of a story to the picture, which is that I was messing around on Bing AI creating pictures and asked it to draw someone with my name. I then asked it to draw someone with my Hebrew name and it came up with this Gandalf-esque creation!