Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post, I hope people will read or at least answer the first question:
I'm wondering what your childhood was like, how normal was it? Did you play with siblings/children? Did you engage in imaginative play?
My story:
For the previous 2.5 years I gradually became convinced that I must be autistic because I have a lot of autistic traits and score very highly on AQ50 and RAADS-R. Multiple people in my life have suggested to me I might be autistic which is what made me first research it. I'm at the extreme end for most autistic traits
So I pursued a diagnosis with Psychiatry UK, and am filling in this self-assessment form. Firstly it brought up a lot of negative memories. Writing about what's happened in my life (from teenage years onwards) is dredging up a lot of buried pain. But I'm also having serious doubts about the whole thing because of the childhood section. I'm so confused.
The thing is, I think I had a relatively normal childhood. From what I can tell I was a nice normal little boy. My mother says I was a normal baby and a "very good boy". I didn't cry too much and she never had any problems. I have teacher reports from primary school and my teachers all said I was settling in well at school, had an active imagination, and was conscientious and their favourite person to teach. I had swimming lessons, music lessons, I wrote imaginative stories and drew pictures of things I made up or invented. I did not have meltdowns.
I found a box of childhood photos and an old diary, and I appeared to do things with other people, I had a friend and went to his house, and mostly led a normal childhood. In photos I looked happy.
None of this matches the picture I had of myself as this autistic person who has struggled with everything. Autistic people should exhibit signs in childhood, they should not have friends or do normal childhood activities. Now I'm doubting it all, I feel like such a fraud. I was thinking of not even continuing with the assessment, but I suppose since I waited for so long I might as well go through with it - a negative result is still useful so I'll know for sure that I am or am not autistic.
But what I don't understand is how I have so many autistic traits. To name a few:
So what is going on here? When someone told me I might be autistic and I started reading up on it, it was such a revelation because it explained so much of how I am. It seemed to fit exactly, in every way.
So if I'm not autistic, then what is wrong with me? What happened to that sweet little boy I used to be? Autism is a childhood neurological disorder, you can't acquire it, so I don't understand why my childhood suggests so strongly that I am not autistic. Do I just have social anxiety and a lot of autistic traits? A variety of personality disorders? I can't explain the sensory problems though.
I keep vacillating between being certain I'm autistic and then thinking I'm a fraud and stupid to have thought it.
In the DSM-5 autism diagnostic criteria it states:
"Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities"
ICD-11 states:
"onset of the disorder occurs during the developmental period, typically in early childhood, but characteristic symptoms may not become fully manifest until later, when social demands exceed limited capacities."
If your environment during your early childhood did not place excessive demands or stress upon you then your autistic traits may not have been apparent. It is said that many 'autistic traits' are actually signs of distress and trauma in an autistic person. A happy autistic child will not necessarily show those traits.
Often it is the transition from primary to secondary school which tips the balance beyond which social demands exceed limited capacities. A child can go from having the same teacher and classmates for years in a small school to a chaotic and noisy large secondary school, expected to have multiple different lessons and teachers every day with vastly increased social demands.
The change from primary to secondary school was certainly very difficult for me, that's when my problems became apparent. The demands of primary school were much lower, as you say - being in the same classroom with the same teacher, sitting in the same seat every day, doing the same things every day. And socialising wasn't important. I was always quiet but that was seen as a good thing by teachers.
OOps it looks like MODS has deleted it!
Keep plugging away at it. I try in my own humble way (see my recent thread)
Yea - well, I certainly have sustained some damage along the way AND unintentionally caused damage to those around me due to my own ignorance of what was driving my own thoughts and actions.
However my friend - neither of us are dead yet AND hope springs eternal.....so personally, I am trying to harness my new knowledge to do better with my remaining time on the planet - both for me, and for those around me.
Number said: I have glided through most of them without incident.....because I simply found ways and means to deal with them.
That phrase resonated with me. I came from a disfunctional family. My dad had his own issues. I had no mentoring, apart from my visual perceptions of a father figure which had to be a distortion of what a true father figure should be. For the majority of my upbringing the onus rested with me. Mom had her hands full dealing with her marriage. Through my auti--- although not yet known---perceptions I too found 'work arounds' in dealing with my own 'situational realities' as I progressed toward adulthood. As an adult I wasn't conscious of all the levels of masks I had developed as defence mechanisms that somehow got me through. I felt different from my perceived interactions never understanding why.
After my late auti diagnosis it all fell into place for me, but the damage had already been done through my ill conceived perceptions of NT "normality"
It is quite common even today for autistic children not to be identified as autistic until after they hit the huge transition to secondary school. Even more so if they are the quiet types, who keep their head down and avoid drawing attention to themselves. It's always the loudest and mostly badly behaved who are noticed most by teachers.
You may find it helpful to read this discussion on school reports. The themes of quiet and conscientious come up a lot. My teachers even described me as conscientious when I had stopped attending their lessons. I was obviously so quiet they didn't even notice if I was there or not!
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/29137/school-reports---how-were-yours
Paper said:Now I'm doubting it all, I feel like such a fraud. I was thinking of not even continuing with the assessment
You are certainly not a fraud for continuing with the assessment process.
Hello Paper,
Autonomistic said:If your environment during your early childhood did not place excessive demands or stress upon you then your autistic traits may not have been apparent.
.......or, if you had the freedom and means to craft your life at a young age to accommodate your autism at that stage of life, then you will have little to report. Some of my "situational realities" and "transitions" between them have been (when viewed from a NT perspective) very stressful and challenging.....but I have glided through most of them without incident.....because I simply found ways and means to deal with them.
It is only relatively recently that I have been able to "see" that autism HAS AND DOES underpin and necessitate most of my thoughts and behaviours. It is so enlightening & useful.
We are all different - some are rock, some are scissors...and some are you.
Many of the traditional markers of autism APPEAR to be lacking for many people, but that should not deter you from your chosen path of trying to establish what type of "thing" you are - in my opinion.
Keep going = my advice.
Best regards
Number.