Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I just got my formal diagnosis for Autism this morning at the age of 40.
I feel so mixed up and never felt more confused my life! I have a massive sense of relief, that now finally something explains why I struggle with things as much as I do and why I react to things in a certain way. I feel angry that no one (myself included) recognised it sooner, that I’ve struggled so much, even ending up hospitalised in a psychiatric ward, and no one there even considered autism as a diagnosis, that my parents never recognised it in me or my teachers. I feel scared about what this now means for the future, about whether to tell people, how I move forward from this. I feel numb. I feel sad that this is my life and resent the diagnosis. I feel like I want to shout it from the rooftops, and also tell not a soul. I feel like I need to research every single thing even more than I have already. I feel like celebrating and crying all at the same time.
I just wondered if this was a ‘normal’ response to getting a diagnosis? How did other people feel? What did you do next?
Welcome and congratulations on your diagnosis.
Everything you describe is a common reaction to being diagnosed. I have described the post diagnosis discovery journey many times as an emotional rollercoaster. You've certainly already been through a lot in one day!
For me the relief and elation lasted a lot longer (probably a few months) before the anger started to take over. Since then I have spent so much time researching every single thing.
Once you start to seek out content from the autistic community and learn about their lived experiences it starts to make much more sense than the pathological model of autism you'll have encountered during the diagnostic process.
These are a couple of good places to start (as well as being here of course):
https://aucademy.co.uk/2022/01/20/six-common-reactions-during-autistic-discovery/
https://autismunderstood.co.uk/what-actually-is-autism/
It will take time to process everything, maybe years. I'm three years past my diagnosis and still learning about autism and myself.
I would suggest being cautious about who you share your news with at this stage. They might not react the way you expect them to, which can be distressing and invalidating when you are already overwhelmed trying to process what your diagnosis means for you.
thanks for your reply. Yes emotional rollercoaster is exactly how it feels! I have spent hours researching, totally fixated on it, all consuming - but guess that’s an autistic trait! thanks for the links, I will have a look. yeah I haven’t even considered about the impact of dealing with other people’s responses to it all! I can imagine that would have a big affect on someone. thanks