Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 33 and going through the Diagnosis process currently. It's very hard going. Going through every inch of my personality and life. I'm struggling with trying to separate what is me and what is autism. Some things I do, like or find uncomfortable will just be my personality everyone is different. Which bits are and are not Autism. My family and friends argue with me on certain points that everyone does a little of everything. I work with Autistic children so I'm fully aware of what Autism looks like as a spectrum. However i feel adults are a different thing all together. Ive had my whole life to learn. hide and adapt to the world around me. I'm now set in my ways and routines and have found safe ways of doing things for myself. I don't know what I'm hiding or masking anymore. To conclude who I am?
Help ? I don't know any adults with autism to reach out to
Hello 88746, I am Number.
NAS88746 said:Ive had my whole life to learn. hide and adapt to the world around me
Yep - that's the thing, for us grown ups !
I'm in my 50's, and for very good reasons, I find myself with virtually no doubt that I am autistic.......although if you had suggested that to me when I was your age, I would have laughed in your face and thought you were mental !
I also strongly suspect that if a team of assessors tried to "get" at the essence of me either now, or when I was 33, my masking, learned and perfected behaviours, carefully crafted life (which accommodates most of my weirder traits almost seamlessly) and undoubted comorbidities (I have some real crackers!!).........both they and I would feel more confused than when we all started !
HOWEVER......please don't take my words as some cloaked "why are you bothering getting assessed".....because that is most certainly not what I am trying to convey here.
I am only able to be so certain about my own autistic reality because it VERY nearly killed me, but thankfully only robbed me of about 6 full years of my life - and I'm still not wholly sure how I managed to survive that time ! I was utterly alone, utterly broken, utterly exhausted and completely lost as a human soul. It was a very prolonged darkness.
SO.....to summarise, I guess I am trying to reassure you on a number of points ;
1. Although you are finding this journey difficult at the moment, I have no doubt that it certainly won't be worse than the manner in which I had to endure "stuff" to find my answer out for myself. I seriously don't recommend my route !!!!!!
2. Apart from some validation and calmness that can descend on us when we finally know AND accept our diagnosis / self realisation, the practicalities of life simply do not radically change when it is "done" - in your case, when the diagnosis is delivered to you. The world keeps turning.....and by the sounds of things, you have already learned to spin in harmony with it. So this is good news. Well done you !
3. You have found this place, and been brave enough to post honestly. That bodes VERY well for your relationship with this place and the people who inhabit it. May I strongly recommend that you use the "search button" in this place to review the thousands and thousands of diverse voices who have visited this place at times in their life like yours. I found the "back catalogue" of conversations and ideas incredibly useful and instructive.
Keep going brave soul. You are most certainly NOT alone on these pages with the words you have written above. There are loads of older autistic souls actively here all the time......and we welcome newbies with an honest sincerity that is very hard to find IRL.
Kind regards
Number.
Treat yourself as a package deal inclusive of all warts and bumps, and save yourself from a great deal of self analysis. ASD is part of who you are.