Autism attachment

Ermm..? Are there two of these posts? I could swear I’ve replied to this..

There's a few things here which you may simply need a better understanding on. Often, we don't get this information spelled out to us, as NTs speak in a sort of 'secret code' which is just part of how they're (let's say) programmed to communicate. So growing up, we often miss certain points about How To engage with others. 

First of all everything we sense-perceive or "feel" can be incredibly overwhelming. This is simply due to being hyper-sensory. There are some theories out there about this, but one thing this can help us do, is acknowledge danger before anyone else. Smell an electrical fire or a toxic chemical, hear a deafening frequency. And yes, when hyper-focused on something we might also completely have detached from all sense perception. But...

This means all emotions will create intense feelings. Much more so than our NT peers. An emotion is the result of our perception and beliefs on a thing, our knowledge about and relationship with it. How mature we our and what our expectations are play key roles here. Often, when we are impacted by emotions from a Social Relationship rather than Environmental Relationship, there is an added feeling of confusion and / or lack of control, coupled with "absent insight". 

Feelings of attachment can be incredibly confusing, so it's important to learn to recognise a few things when you feel them.

But also Social Relationships have rules and boundaries. Humans are not gods or even demi-gods, but on a good day most of us need to recharge. So it's important to ask, what is your relationship to the other individual? What is their Role/Responsibility in your life? And what is your role and responsibility in theirs.

With social Relationships we have to mind a big Rule: I can control myself I cannot control others. 

With environmental relationships, I can take control of other things and control my surroundings.

I like to think of social relationships similar to planets orbiting the sun. My closest friends, who I intentionally invest in and am vulnerable with, who I perform acts of selflessness with would be Mercury or Venus. Since we are human we can only do this with a few, 1-3 and they should take years to create and earn Trust with. Now, friends and family might be somewhere between earth and Jupiter. Close but not too exposed, where I take a lot more responsibility for my self and am careful with expectations and respecting boundaries. Once we get further out toward Pluto, I tend to not expect much nor expect I should invest much. 

Our feelings are overwhelming at times, but they don't need to control our actions or how we think-through a matter. For instance, feeling sad, I can cry through the sadness, get it out, and then evaluate if maybe my 'needs' were in conflict with someone else's 'needs'. When it's a parent, they may need time to regroup, to be alone, to find their strength and ground and then carry on with their responsibilities. They may not be doing this right and often feel drained. As an adult child, I can let them be human and wish they were super human and there for me when ever I need, but I need to assess my expectations of them and ask myself if it's reasonable. What other ways are they parenting right now that say they care even if we're failing to emotionally connect? Do they support me financially or when it really matters? Humans are more quick to forget than remember. Choosing to think about small things we can take a sense of gratitude from, requires making an Effort.

Feeling misunderstood is no small matter. 

It can be important to begin to even write down when we experience being falsely accused - is someone Projecting their intent and motives into your words? This is one of the biggest complications between NeuroTypicals and Autistics. 

Often what we need is a real understanding of how we impact one another, and even this can be difficult, because I don't have a right to demand others explain themselves. I can ask, and often "asking for help" when there is a misunderstanding can facilitate getting a real answer so everyone knows how to navigate. But I will warn you, most NTs don't always understand themselves, might lie to themselves, might be out of touch with their feelings and motives. This is why entire self help sections exist at any given bookstore. 

I hope this helps a little. I had to learn much of this as well. Your feelings are not YOU. They are telling you something about a situation and they might be informing us that we have selfish motives (I want to connect to this person whenever I feel like it) or they might be informing us someone is not trustworthy for whatever reason. We are complex beings. Feelings can change as we learn new perspectives and gain better understanding about the rules and boundaries needed to create and maintain social relationships.

I hope this helps!!!! 

Ask your mum if she can help you understand how to help her feel less stressed. Ask her if you can talk about practical ways to help each other. Can you be reliable with one task per day (or take on more responsibility?) This might relieve a great deal of stress. And your feelings might change as the dynamic changes. 

How does your attachment issues present?