Published on 12, July, 2020
A sort of direct quote from Cars 3. It has stuck with me and, certainly more recently, it has gotten me thinking.
I would say that I mask almost all the time and have done for at least half of my life (I'm 26). I had friends, all of whom I've now lost (they've not died, I screwed up and we've been cut off) but it's only now that I'm beginning to realise how much they liked, valued and appreciated me.
I'm a people pleaser myself but I imagine even the most chronic people pleaser would probably draw the line at travelling 100 miles to see someone they're at best indifferent towards. I say that, when I was 22 I went to France with someone I went to school with who was one of my bullies - yes, it was 6 years afterwards but I never addressed the hurt. The trip was okay but I didn't really enjoy it. Having said that, he didn't live that far away from me and I never went there on my own.
Part of me feels like the friends I had liked me for who I actually was, not who I was perhaps trying to be, and I (regrettably) didn't appreciate that enough. The other part of me feels like they wouldn't have seen through this version of myself I was trying to present.
I would always talk about how I feel my voice is monotone and the way I come across when speaking is too awkward and rigid but they would always dispute that.
It's different with my family who are from a culture that doesn't make light work of trying to understand autistic people (or indeed, anyone different to them).
I think something a lot of us do is we tend to look at the past as a potential source of comfort. That is we see past relationships with "rose tinted glasses" and think that they were better than they were (as may be the case with the bully you mentioned).
The unknown future friends we tend to look at suspiciously an expect the worst from them (or ourselves) so often fail to invest the effort to actually make the new friends.
My advice is to let the past go.
For any former friends who were really good to you it may be worth making peace with them and that may grow into friendship again, but if nothing else you can make peace with the ending of those relationships. The closure is often a healthy thing,
As for our family seeing things in us - well that is to be expected as we are often so caught up in the day to day existing, defending ourselves from sensory overload on a near constant basis and escaping to our special interests for comfort that we don't see the wood for the trees.
With him, I think it was just something I completely ignored. I was even less in touch with how I feel about things back then.
I do have some friends who I felt like I had an authentic bond with, but because of what I did I don't expect they'll be rushing to get back in touch (or be willing to speak). However, I am hopeful that one day it could happen.