Published on 12, July, 2020
HI I recently was waiting for the bus to come fetch me home from the gymnasium. It is always on time.
But this time it was over one and a half hours late. I got more and more agitated, sitting by the door of the Gym.
I was in this public place and didn't feel safe just cutting loose. But once the bus did come i just kind of lost it a bit, asking the driver why over and over, just being told that it just was was.
Then after boarding, very tense, I was told there would be 2 MORE additional stops and I just lost it. banging the window and kicking. I'm in my bloody 60s!
This hasn't happened in many decades. This isn't "like me.", whoever that is. It's "out of character" -- and so it is that Ive been acting out a character with a mask.
Recently, I have been delighted and horrified (as seen above) with myself more than a few times recently as I take the audience away and just abide in the truth of my nature.
I've been trying to let the mask down a little at a time in public now to find that authentic self again
and I see more and more what this iron-fisted control and the mask of self censure has been damping down.
The driver was a tad freaked out, another person on the bus just laughed. This laughing ,oddly, helped
and brought me back. I did the breathing and slipped the mask back on in under a minute. then came the apologies.
I'm working on managing these unexpected changes in myself and in my
experiences from a less masked but more gracious balance. I may seek some help on this. ..
Uhane said:I'm working on managing these unexpected changes in myself and in my experiences from a less masked but more gracious balance.
experiences from a less masked but more gracious balance.
Nicely put.
I had my diagnosis at 60 and it's interesting to see how the a late diagnosis is cathartic in many ways.
yes. A whole other person in there. peeling the layers..
Uhane said:I'm working on managing these unexpected changes in myself and in my experiences from a less masked but more gracious balance
experiences from a less masked but more gracious balance
Same quote as Debbie but I think it's very true. Now I understand more, on the occasion that tailspin does happen and/or a build up, instead of the lid blowing off, I'm able to ride through it by reminding myself "it's the 'spergers". Not everytime, but more than before. And humour and laughter helps massively.