Published on 12, July, 2020
Im off for the summer now and really struggling in that I've been in a complete state of inertia for nearly a week. What's also in the mix is a chronic fatigue-like health scenario. Sometimes the boundaries are blurred but if I were to put my finger on it, I'd say this is more AS related because I've been here time and again. I can't get going with anything for love nor money. I've got plenty of things to be doing but can't start and don't know how to. I need a project to get my teeth into (of which is covered on the "things to be doing") but in my head I know it won't get finished if I start. I'm resorting to engaging with an interest but I've reached peak saturation on that. I'm flim flamming around and haven't got the attention to stick to anything (which I don't know if this is CFS related but I've experienced this before although it seems to be worse now). I don't know if I'm in some sort of emotional burnout because I haven't experienced this stuckness for quite a while. What also adds is a sense that - I can't tell what my expectations of myself should be. When the fatigue is really thick, I know how to pace, but when I'm in this middle ground I don't know what to do but I see this more as autistic inertia. It's also the fact that I see others are able to structure their time off but I can't and I don't know if I'm putting pressure on myself to be a certain way. I've asked for help with one thing and with other things could do with a bit of "shadowing" to motivate me but the obvious person to ask is busy working more than me and has their own stuff to do.
Well it’s good that you haven’t felt this way in a while, usually people have an issue keeping their positivity going for longer that their depressive bouts, this seems like a depressive bout. But they go as quickly as they come, it’s just a case of waiting until it passes, then you’ll get an idea to spark an interest and off you go again. It’s good that you want to talk about it and talk through a relapse when your having it, but it’s generally a bad ideas for others to prompt you to, so I won’t do that. So feel reassured that things have a habit of starting and stopping and changing, nothing stays the same which is a discouraging thought when the good-times are in, but the silver-lining for you is that evolution seems more appealing in these moments. So try to being mindful in your current perspective, maybe some good art can made of it, and maybe a focus can be set for when you whir-up again..
I don't feel depressed but Alexythima might tell me otherwise. It does all seem to have come about at the same time as something going on which is probably taking more out of me than I realise.
You are right to remind me that things do indeed "come and go". I very often have a problem with seeing this "I'm going to feel like this forever!" which means I get carried away in the good times. I do have a different perspective on life now and I'll know I'll always have this in my back pocket.
I know modern life means we never get bored and we actually need boredom but it feels like it's beyond that! What I'm sensing from myself upon reading the replies is that I am still hard on myself.