Published on 12, July, 2020
All I hear is "Communication is the key to fix any problem"..
I have looked up the definition, the meaning, read things about what communication is.. because it feels like everytime I ask someone to define or tell me why communication is key. I seem not to get a true answer.
See, I have never been one for communication to bother me, I have always been the same, I barely have communications with no more than 2 maybe 3 people daily face to face or online and it normally the same 2 to 3 people daily that I really trust. However, since last october/november (I will detail this more).
Me and my current partner are in a long distance relationship which means am here in the United Kingdom and she is in Pennyslvania, United States of America (this is my first and only long distance relationship I will ever have, this happened naturally, i don"t know how to put it but I have this immence attatchment to her after getting to her online and it came like mega and happy inside me with a natural smile just to talk to her daily after this).. She does have a daughter who turns 6 this year and her daughter absolutely loves me, was abit of a challenge last year when I was over to see them for the first time for 3 weeks..
(Also this was my very first time, flying, travelling by plane, of course my anxeity was up on the day and in the airports waiting for the flights, and in Charlotte North Carolina at Port of Entry and Customs border control because i had to deal with a 2nd inspection "Guessing cause i never flew or travelled outside the UK before and no Port of Entries to other countries on my passport file and annoyed and anxiety at myself for being late for my connecting flight. However, apart for the anxiety, and what I can assume as overwhelming by being surrounded by a lot of people and children running around and screaming inside the airport, even with ear phones in and music full blasting, my eyes couldn't stop moving around and feeling anxious and annoyed at the children, wishing that they would just stop even for a minute, the flight was easy, the main issue I thought I would have was the sounds of things on the flight like engine noise etc, given that I always found certain and unexpected noises to be annoying, or make me jump or nervous, but the i found the sounds on the plane to be peaceful and relaxing. Which I found strange".
However, I know I went off track there, what am trying to say, is or explain is that we been together 1 year and 5 months now, i been over there and she come over her and I go back in October. However. Last october/november she chose her phone over me and even her own daughter, which lead me to sit and play (not going to lie, feel happy in the moment) playing with her daughter with a card game that a 5 year old just made up, a 5 year old explained it better than any instruction sheet would have done. Yes, it was challenging with a 5 year old first telling me she didn't want me around but something was telling me, keep working it and show her.. and now she turns 6 when am over there this year and all year my partner heard from her daughter "when is stephen coming back:.
But that not the moral, i am aware since i re-read this i side track to paint the detail more. So my partner was always in her phone and ignored me almost all the time, which left me feeling like nothing and alone, not the only and probably last time someone made me feel like that. But it took me a month after coming back from my first visit to say "Look i felt worthless and alone the whole 3 weeks i was visiting you because you chose you phone over me" expecting to have a conversation to fix it, which we did but even now "Yes, I know she has a daughter and in a different timezone from me" i fully understand that, but it hurts when I see her online and i get 5 replies a day when she online around 20 times a day, it feel like since I told her how it made me feel last October/November our communication has died.
So I still do not understand why people say "Communication is key".. i onky speak 1 maybe 3 people daily and it the same people day in and day out. I dont go out only fishing and that just to escape the boring four walls which make me feel safe and have has done all my life. And if I have to go out and see friends, they know am olay in a ground of 2 maybe 4 people any bigger than that am silent.. and that am their for them.. how do other overcome the communciation is key, if you been treated or been a certain way for many many years.
StephenB said:it feels like everytime I ask someone to define or tell me why communication is key. I seem not to get a true answer.
An interesting choice of words. Is there a "true" answer or does it just not work for you?
The phrase "communication is key" is true for a conventional, well establised relationship certainly, but what you have is not conventional - you have a partner on a different continent who has a history and a mostly virtual relationship with you.
It is also odd that you criticise her for spending so much time on her phone when this is probably how she normally communicates with you. Indeed many Millenials and GenZ people spend a great deal of time on their phones in preference to conventional forms of communication and interaction.
I've seen couples like this sat in restaurants scrolling though their social media and sending each other links to something they found interesting / funny and they barely spoke to one another the whole meal.
I suspect this could be a part of what you experienced. She lives mostly online so dealing with you in real life is a bit of a challenge for her. She is also used to reading your messages and then having time to consider them before replying rather than having to chat in real time verbally.
This is probably where the communication is breaking down - you are not explaining this to her when you see it happen so she had no chance to adapt.
You may also have been quite stressed following the journey and if this (along with the autism) caused your conversational abilities to be weak then she may just have gotten bored. It is hard to tell without having been there and asking.
I'm not taking sides here, just trying to understand what the dynamic between you may have been.
My experience with long distance relationships is that they work while the people are not together. We develop our lives around being alone with the other person at the other end of a chat, able to pick up the conversation or put it down when we feel like it and when we get back to being face to face it is suddenly more intense and our personal space is no longer there.
If you can find a way to make this work then go for it but you do need to communicate with your partner to understand if they are of the same opinion. A common understanding is pretty important to any relationship and this needs communication.
I understand yeah i was in thw wrong. It just how i felt being there for 3 weeks in person last year and witnessing it.. i feel like i dont know. I think i need to work on it with her and communicate the way we both find works better for us. Thank you.