Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like I’m wasting my life.
Every day consists of much the same thing, watching stuff, reading, listening to music and that’s about it. The same things every day. The same cycle going round and round and round. Today I watched two movies. I watched a couple of episodes of Naruto. And I did a little reading, well, listened to an audiobook. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing all of these things but I deeply wish I could be doing more with my life. I’d love to be out there working, meeting people, making something of my life. But the autism and mental difficulties have put a stop to all of that. I’m so anxious that I struggle to leave the house. My health anxiety is severe, I’m checking myself all throughout the day. I do my temp at least thirty times in half an hour. Always washing my hands. I’ve emailed my GP surgery for help with the autism and anxiety but they CAN’T help through email, want to talk on the phone but that’s no good for me. Can’t really go in to town anymore, get way too dizzy feel like I will fall over.
So I stay at home. Watch movies. Read. The same stuff. I feel like my life is wasted. In the past I have tried to break free from this and tried to better myself but it caused me serious mental problems which resulted in me being detained under the mental health act. The same thing happened to my friend Princess who was a member here but she left and sadly has since died.
It feels like no matter what I’m destined to be this way. But I feel bad for being this way.
Does anyone else get this?
I get this, that numbing feeling that invades my being at a point in every cycle, I feel like all of the progress in my life is served by making hay in my hyper-productive moments. The last thing that I did in a high-point was to apply for PIP, which I successfully got, but I am currently at a low that you describe so I have to wait again for the high. My physiological anxieties are constantly on a scale between gaining weight, or being so thin that I worry about muscle loss, but for the most part there is a balance to my life within this cycle. Security and stability has always been a sparse prospect for me, but with PIP I think those days are over, it’s just that at the minute I am on a low and I just need to wait for inspiration to strike once more. In my experience destiny is a far-out measure to prevent disbelief, but aside from helping you to relive trauma, I believe that ours moods exist in waves and nothing is ever as bad as it seems, it’s just a question of waiting for the depressive-attack to pass and knowing that it will pass. At the moment a find the prospect of gaining and advancing relationship a insurmountable task, so in the interim I chalk that whole situation up to destiny, so that I don’t become despairing over the subject.For some of us life is only manageable through intervals, some of us have either too much or too little to progress for every hours of the day, by that’s fine intervals are a great way to exercise. Perhaps one day I will be so conditioned that I won’t need intervals, but that day is not today and I do not whip myself over what I use to recover between attempts at living, I feel depressed but I try to consider it sadness, because I know it will pass and all things come to those who wait. If you are trying to break-free bud, then it would seem that you have a cycle too, try to think of it as interval training, every minute you are living is a minute that you are either recovering or doing a set. Recovering from a set is scary for those who do not realise that they are recovery, but the truth is that you’re gonna have a better conditioning the next time that you decide to pick your poison.