Published on 12, July, 2020
I apologize if I’ve been talking way too much lately. It’s just that I’ve had so much on my mind that it’s driving me crazy. Over the course of two years since I’ve moved out, I have made dents on my walls and cabinets, destroyed an expensive remote control, and ruined the kitchen floor with my anger issues.
My parents have for a long time been threatening me to kick me out of my house and have me sent to a mental hospital to have me numbed. Recently I’ve been yelled at to get my ass outta here tomorrow morning and they have had enough of me. “You have no respect for your own parents nowadays! We have done everything for you and yet you are driving yourself insane! We are fed up with your behavior and will not put up with you any longer!”.
I feel like my anger is my fault my parents don’t love me. Although I usually don’t act self-destructive every day of my life, I’m forced to bottle up my stress where it isn’t public. It’s become so much of a pain for me to the point where I end up raging in full blast. I’ve been guilt tripped that my attitude will wind me up in jail and my parents at several times even planned to call the police to take me away because I am not capable of living in an emotion-free society.
I’ve been told that everyone will see the real me, the monster that I truly am. I’ve cried myself to sleep many times. Even in the course of a few weeks I’ve only gotten as much as four hours of sleep every night. I hate myself so much and I hate the systemic ableism ingrained into our society.
Who knows? Maybe they’re right. Maybe I really AM a monster. I cannot control my emotions and bottling them up isn’t helping either. This might be the last time I’ll ever post anywhere before I get sent to the nuthouse tomorrow morning. I don’t know what to think anymore.
Your parents do sound like people who do not know how to handle emotions. The impression I get overall is that many large bodies of bureaucratic overall institutions are getting more and more repressive, zero tolerance for any display of rage in the face of systems in place that just don't work.
I wonder though if your parents aren't just really scared of you when you start smashing things, and that this violence might spill over in other ways?
Is there any other way you can let it out without damaging something? Getting something that works as a punch bag, installing something you can lay into that won't damage something important to your parents?
Controlling behaviour is always demeaning. You could do with a mediator to help you somehow by the sound of it.
Plus my parents are already familiar with what I did days ago, and my mom threatened me not to destroy my house with water again. She threatened me if I do, then I am permanently leaving the house.
I told her not to start her trap because her threats constantly trigger me and get me all emotional, but she didn’t care and went on gaslighting me on how destructive and careless I am, I told her she told me it a hundred times all while she denied it all.
I don’t usually smash things all the time whenever I get really angry. What I’ve described are very rare occasions. And no, I cannot rage in front of my parents, their rage will turn into violence and start physically hurting me.
I have moved out two years ago. A lot of stress toys I have don’t last very long because my anger destroys them as well.