I feel like a monster, acting destructive, destroying my own home

I apologize if I’ve been talking way too much lately. It’s just that I’ve had so much on my mind that it’s driving me crazy. Over the course of two years since I’ve moved out, I have made dents on my walls and cabinets, destroyed an expensive remote control, and ruined the kitchen floor with my anger issues.

My parents have for a long time been threatening me to kick me out of my house and have me sent to a mental hospital to have me numbed. Recently I’ve been yelled at to get my ass outta here tomorrow morning and they have had enough of me. “You have no respect for your own parents nowadays! We have done everything for you and yet you are driving yourself insane! We are fed up with your behavior and will not put up with you any longer!”.

I feel like my anger is my fault my parents don’t love me. Although I usually don’t act self-destructive every day of my life, I’m forced to bottle up my stress where it isn’t public. It’s become so much of a pain for me to the point where I end up raging in full blast. I’ve been guilt tripped that my attitude will wind me up in jail and my parents at several times even planned to call the police to take me away because I am not capable of living in an emotion-free society.

I’ve been told that everyone will see the real me, the monster that I truly am. I’ve cried myself to sleep many times. Even in the course of a few weeks I’ve only gotten as much as four hours of sleep every night. I hate myself so much and I hate the systemic ableism ingrained into our society.

Who knows? Maybe they’re right. Maybe I really AM a monster. I cannot control my emotions and bottling them up isn’t helping either. This might be the last time I’ll ever post anywhere before I get sent to the nuthouse tomorrow morning. I don’t know what to think anymore.