Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
After years of suspecting, I have just formally been diagnosed as autistic by my GP. It has been a humbling few days and I apologise if I say anything here that is inappropriate. I am still finding my feet with this new 'label' that I have. I'm 58 years old so I've had plenty of time to come to terms with most of my challenging quirks of personality such as being anti-social, struggling with verbal communication etc. I still prefer to do things alone, and communicate in writing whenever possible, but have learned to wear a mask and become someone else to get by. I have struggled in the past with maintaining employment and also relationships, but by far my biggest challenge is dealing with situations where my predictable routine is broken. I was very interested to read about meltdowns and shutdowns on this website and can relate to what they are and what they mean, but while some triggers can be avoided I find two particular situations have the biggest impact on my emotional state. By far the worst scenario for me is road rage. I go from totally passive to angry and aggressive in a heartbeat just because the person in front of me stops unnecessarily at a roundabout or drives at 40 on a 60 mph road. I've come to realise it's not about wanting to speed along but the fact that the person is breaking my routine. Somehow my mind expects the journey to go smoothly and efficiently and when it doesn't it upsets me on a disproportionate and unacceptable level, especially if I have a passenger in the car with me. They are subjected to a tirade of cursing and steering wheel thumping which I know I shouldn't be doing but somehow can't seem to stop happening. It feels like it's completely beyond my control and has been the cause of many arguments. When it comes to shutdowns the classic one for me is when my ex partner wanted to watch something like Strictly Come Dancing on TV. I can't bear to watch anything that doesn't mentally stimulate me like a documentary or good film, and so I go into my shell, or have to leave the room to avoid confrontation. It's much more than just a dislike of such programs; more of a feeling deep inside that my body is getting taught, and my blood is congealing in my veins. I know that will sound melodramatic to some but I'm sure there's someone out there who knows exactly what I mean. Long story short, I have posted this message, firstly to meet people who might understand what I'm experiencing, and secondly in the hope that somebody might have experienced the same issues and found a coping mechanism that works well. I genuinely want to stop feeling this road rage and utter anathema towards certain TV programs. I split up with a long term partner about 18 months ago because she couldn't cope with my attitude, and have many regrets about the pain I must have caused her. I'd like to change those things in particular because I believe if I can handle them the rest will be easy by comparison and I can find a way to better cope with life in general.
Thanks for listening, and any advice on offer.
Richard
Hi Richard,
I haven’t got anything particularly helpful to say. Just wanted to acknowledge that I had read your whole post. I too recently discovered I’m autistic at age 42. Now my life finally makes sense.
In my opinion, road rage kept to the confines of your own car (ie don’t get out and approach anyone), is perfectly acceptable. I too get road rage. I’d probably enjoy sharing expletives with you and swapping stories!
My father, who I suspect I got my autism from, used to go into what we called “black moods” similar to what you describe happens to yourself when you’re subjected to strictly come dancing. These days though, it’s perfectly acceptable to sit watching 2 different things close by or even in different rooms so hopefully when the next strictly occasion arises, you might feel able to slink off ahead of it starting.
Hi Lucille,
Thanks for making contact. I'm already feeling better in myself for getting diagnosed and telling everyone that I have ASD. I'm not excusing my behaviour, just letting people know I'm wired a bit differently. It's so much easier to forgive yourself when the things you do make sense isn't it.
My ex partner used to hate being in the car with me because of my meltdowns. The thought of you enjoying sharing expletives made me chuckle. Always happy to swap stories too.
I'm learning new things every day now about myself and my relationships with others. When Strictly used to come on I would have a little moan, then go to the bedroom and listen to music through my headphones. It never even occurred to me to listen to music in the same room to keep the peace. There's a lot of changes I can make that will have less impact on others without impacting on my own needs. Thanks again.
"In my opinion, road rage kept to the confines of your own car (ie don’t get out and approach anyone), is perfectly acceptable"
As a pedestrian at the mercy of people driving giant pieces of deadly machinery, I can't say I agree with you. When people talk about road rage they think about someone getting out to beat up another motorist, but I refuse to believe that a person in a super agitated state of mind isn't more likely to cause an "accident" involving another car or someone on foot.