I am feeling so lonely

NAS87487 said:

we don't have children because he never wanted children, but I did, now that I am 41 years old I regret bitterly I listened to him and now we don't have children.

I can give you some insight as the male in a similar situation - married over 20 years and my wife was concerned that her fertility window was closing so changed out long standing semi-agreement about not having kids. When I say semi agreement it was something we discussed early in the relationship and I told her I didn't want kids at all, but didn't rule out the possibility if it was important enough for her in the future.

My experience with family having kids was that they can be a complete nightmare and I had a strong aversion to puting myself through that experience as I saw how much it impacted their relationship, health and wealth.

I was pushed - hard - into agreeing to it and we tried, including fertility testing (rather humiliating having to produce a sperm sample while the doctor waits) and fertility treatment that led to all sorts of mood swings for my wife. There were some early stage miscarriages before we gave up on it (by mutual agreement).

My point in that is he may have his reasons for not wanting kids. Many of us autists have a strong aversion to change and uncertainty and a kid is that times a thousand. He is probably terrified at the prospect.

NAS87487 said:

I feel like is getting more and more distant towards me.   We don't make love.  He just want to go out with other people.  When I try to have a conversation with him, he just keeps shouting at me and getting aggressive. 

There was a period of distance in our relationship following the failed attempt at getting/staying pregnant, partly because we didn't know how to communicate about it and part because we didn't really know where the relationship was going - we seemed to be going in very different directions.

It was about that stage we had a difficult conversation and decided that we needed to get couples councelling as the marriage wasn't going to last.

It helped, but largely in helping us talk - and listen. It turned out we really had few shared interests outside of work and food, and out appetite for things like travel, entertainment, friends and long term plans were not aligned at all.

About this time I was also diagnosed as autistic which led to a lot of self understanding for me and I felt a degree of contempt from my partner - she wouldn't say it by I felt she treated me as a broken thing.

Fast forward a year later and we divorced but have a better relationship than ever as we no longer have to spend all day around one another, put up with the other persons annoying hobbies or unwillingness to go out to a jazz bar etc.

My point in that part is that you need to find a therapist who understands his autism and can handle the couples aspect of it as well.

Your challenge will be to get your partner to engage willingly so you may need to lay out your reasoning in terms he can understand - explain why you are unhappy, what you/he can do about it and what the consequences of it not happening are.

The chances are he loves you too but is unable to communicate clearly and he may well have his own struggles that are causing the distance. Talking won't necessarily solve these but you can at least understand and work on the basis of this new knowledge.

If you are both wiling to work then there is a relationship worth saving there. If he refuses then you need to start preparing your next steps.

Sorry for this over-long overshare. I hope something in there is of use to you.

NAS87487 said:

we don't have children because he never wanted children, but I did, now that I am 41 years old I regret bitterly I listened to him and now we don't have children.

I can give you some insight as the male in a similar situation - married over 20 years and my wife was concerned that her fertility window was closing so changed out long standing semi-agreement about not having kids. When I say semi agreement it was something we discussed early in the relationship and I told her I didn't want kids at all, but didn't rule out the possibility if it was important enough for her in the future.

My experience with family having kids was that they can be a complete nightmare and I had a strong aversion to puting myself through that experience as I saw how much it impacted their relationship, health and wealth.

I was pushed - hard - into agreeing to it and we tried, including fertility testing (rather humiliating having to produce a sperm sample while the doctor waits) and fertility treatment that led to all sorts of mood swings for my wife. There were some early stage miscarriages before we gave up on it (by mutual agreement).

My point in that is he may have his reasons for not wanting kids. Many of us autists have a strong aversion to change and uncertainty and a kid is that times a thousand. He is probably terrified at the prospect.

NAS87487 said:

I feel like is getting more and more distant towards me.   We don't make love.  He just want to go out with other people.  When I try to have a conversation with him, he just keeps shouting at me and getting aggressive. 

There was a period of distance in our relationship following the failed attempt at getting/staying pregnant, partly because we didn't know how to communicate about it and part because we didn't really know where the relationship was going - we seemed to be going in very different directions.

It was about that stage we had a difficult conversation and decided that we needed to get couples councelling as the marriage wasn't going to last.

It helped, but largely in helping us talk - and listen. It turned out we really had few shared interests outside of work and food, and out appetite for things like travel, entertainment, friends and long term plans were not aligned at all.

About this time I was also diagnosed as autistic which led to a lot of self understanding for me and I felt a degree of contempt from my partner - she wouldn't say it by I felt she treated me as a broken thing.

Fast forward a year later and we divorced but have a better relationship than ever as we no longer have to spend all day around one another, put up with the other persons annoying hobbies or unwillingness to go out to a jazz bar etc.

My point in that part is that you need to find a therapist who understands his autism and can handle the couples aspect of it as well.

Your challenge will be to get your partner to engage willingly so you may need to lay out your reasoning in terms he can understand - explain why you are unhappy, what you/he can do about it and what the consequences of it not happening are.

The chances are he loves you too but is unable to communicate clearly and he may well have his own struggles that are causing the distance. Talking won't necessarily solve these but you can at least understand and work on the basis of this new knowledge.

If you are both wiling to work then there is a relationship worth saving there. If he refuses then you need to start preparing your next steps.

Sorry for this over-long overshare. I hope something in there is of use to you.