Published on 12, July, 2020
I say "does anyone else" like it's a unique experience, particularly for the Autistics among us with terrible rumination issues, but I've noticed it is getting worse for me.
I can't respond to things in the moment so I end up really frustrated and angry immediately after.
I think a lot about future conversations. I see a therapist and I spend hours on end thinking about what I'll say, how I'll say it and even with a list of notes to accompany me, I'll still come away afterwards thinking about what I wish I said.
Is it because I'm not "in the moment" enough?
I did that a lot in my teens and early 20s until I realised that it was wasting so much mental energy for little return.
The next time I had a similar conversation I was little better at coming up with a witty or clever response and ended up with a partial or incorrect recollection of the one I came up with. That made me even more embarassed.
I became a man of few words after that stage except in areas I was confident about where I could hold my own in a discussion.
It does get better with time and building confidence.