Published on 12, July, 2020
Before my husband used to scream, bang, and break things, I understood it was frustrations due to his autism but now over 15 years has passed since he leaves me on my own every weekend to go out with a group of people, lies to me and whatever I say he say I am always morning now he has started to be aggressive to physically and keeps spitting in my face. I'm so sad I love him so much. He keeps telling that he loves me.
Autism isn't an excuse to abuse people. Autism isn't the reason why he spits in your face. Autism isn't the reason why he lies to you. I know that autistic people have meltdowns and it could be bad but it's very different than abuse. An autistic meltdown isn't an excuse for abuse. Autistic meltdown isn't abuse. Autistic people can be very compassionate, loving, honest, loyal, considerate humans who are very aware of their influence on others. It's very unfair to explain his shortcomings using the autism excuse.
I also believe that it doesn't really matter what is the reason behind his actions, autism or something else mixed with it, as long as it's happening to you and hurting you so much. I also advise you to prioritise yourself, think about your wellbeing, see a therapist, have a life independent than his. He might not like those changes that you might be taking, then do them "secretly" at first. Love doesn't look like what you just described. You don't have to, shouldn't, put up with all this because he's autistic or because of any other reason.
I'm autistic too. What I do when I have a meltdown is screaming and sometimes say hurtful things to those who hurt me. It might sound like it's normal that someone says mean things when they are deeply hurt, but I feel so guilty about it and unable to let myself love someone because I don't want to eventually hurt them. I see therapists for years whom I can barely afford. I changed my daily habits in order to achieve that. Until I know that I am able to manage my meltdowns without hurting a soul, I won't let a soul near me. I might be little bit extremely careful. I just want to let you know that living with an autistic person doesn't mean putting up with abuse. Wether he is autistic or not, your wellbeing is much more important.
Autism isn't an excuse to abuse people. Autism isn't the reason why he spits in your face. Autism isn't the reason why he lies to you
Absolutely right.
He may have learned that you will tolerate this abuse for whatever reason and he now uses it to get what he wants.
Therapy is the way to mend things if both of you want to go down that route, but you may need to take some drastic action to break the cycle.
I would write down the things that happen to you in a diary - keep the facts separate from your emotions, but record both (maybe describe the actions first then say how they made you feel). This creates a record of events for when you come to start talking about them.
I think it may be best to speak to a therapist first yourself to work out a plan of action as the consequences of it going wrong are unpleasant at best, dangerous at worst.
It is also possible that something else is sending him into a state where he is using you to vent because you will take it - it is unacceptable but if there is something then this could be a way to get to the cause.
Last but not least, queitly arrange a fall back plan to get out of the house it all goes to hell. If he has become an abuser then they can try to become very controlling and getting out may be your best short term safety plan until the dialogue can begin.
You deserve better than you are getting so you are doing the right thing in looking for help.
Good luck in whatever you try.