Published on 12, July, 2020
Hiya,
I wanted to take a moment to share something that's been on my mind lately, hoping to connect with others who might have similar experiences. I (20M) have autism, while my girlfriend (18F) does not. We have a wonderful relationship, but there's one aspect that has been a bit challenging for me to navigate.
Recently, my girlfriend has been coming home after working out at the gym and getting naked in front of me, expecting us to engage in intimate activities. Now, let me be clear: I appreciate her desire and attraction towards me, and I genuinely love her. However, I've found that sex tends to be overwhelming for me in terms of sensory input.
Do any of yous experience this or if it's just me. I'm not being ungrateful towards my girlfriend, nor am I trying to diminish the importance of intimacy in our relationship. Instead, I'm seeking understanding and connection with others who might have found themselves in similar situations.
It's crucial to communicate openly and honestly with our partners about our needs, boundaries, and unique sensory experiences. While my girlfriend is aware of my autism, I don't think she fully understands the sensory challenges I face during intimate moments. Explaining this to her is something I'm working on, but it can be difficult to put into words.
TL;DR: I (20M) have autism, and my girlfriend (18F) doesn't. I find sex overwhelming due to sensory overload. Wondering if others had similar experiences and looking for advice on how to navigate this aspect of relationships.
I used to have some lesbian/ bi friends that would randomly grab and cup each others boobs in public. And I remember saying I was a little bit Jelious because it looked like fun. So for a while they started doing it to me. Just randomly running their hands over my chest or grabbing my nipples. And every time they did id virtually jump out of my skin and squeal. Sometimes I’d even say stop. But ironically right afterwards id be like ‘why'd you stop I was enjoying that.’
sensations can be simultaneously both enjoyable and overwhelming especially if you feel out of control. I think you’ve just got to learn to embrace the overstimulation and of course build up a strong bond of trust with those involved.
Hello I don’t have any advice from lived experience, but I completely understand why you find sex overwhelming due to the sensory experience.
This article might help you explain the situation to your girlfriend:
https://neuroclastic.com/autism-and-having-sex-plus-sex-hacks-for-autistic-couples/
This article below is about reducing sensory overload when having sex or showing intimacy:
https://neuroclastic.com/sensory-sex-hacks-for-autistics/
I hope this helps!
Just found the book I was looking for:
Maxine Aston - The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome-Jessica Kingsley Publishers (2013) (ISBN 9781849054980 )
under section 15 - Sex:
Sensory sensitivity can play a strong role in why sex does not always go well, and may become fraught with anxiety and misunderstandings. Not all, but many, men and women with Asperger syndrome have a heightened sensitivity to their environment and the noises, smells, sights, textures and tastes that surround them. Be aware what these areas are, otherwise misunderstandings are bound to occur.
It covers a lot of other stuff that you may want to talk with her about but I would do yhis in stages as it covers a wide range of aspie/autism traits and may be overwhelming.
Alex said:I find sex overwhelming due to sensory overload.
This needs a little clarificaton for a helpful response I'm afraid.
Can you explain it - for example, is it:
I've been doing some reading on this and while there is not a lot in any particular book, I did find a section in:
Maxine Aston - The Asperger Couple's Workbook_ Practical Advice and Activities for Couples and Counsellors (2008)
I'm sure I can quote some more specific sections for you here if we have some detail to work with.
Sex and intimacy are a minefield even for NTs so having challenges when you are still relatively inexperienced is nothing to worry about. If nothing else it may give some useful info for your girlfriend.
On a broader level, the following book may be of interest:
Olga Bogdashina - Sensory Perceptual Issues in Autism and Asperger Syndrome_ Different Sensory Experiences, Different Perceptual Worlds (2003)
Not as easy to read but may help understand it better in order to make a response plan.
Lastly, don't rule out couples therapy as this can be quite targetted at specific issues with no judgement or shame attached - think of selling it more of a problem solving session to make your relationship even better.
I have officially retired from sex as it is too much and I'm happier not having it. My relationship with my most recent sexual partner has dramatically improved since I put that boundary in place a few years ago. I feel like we now respect each other much more and connect on a deeper, more supportive level.
I want to have a Wife, and Kids. However, I fear having intercourse. Because;
1. I feel limp.
2. I was abused, as a boy.
Hey there, did you explain this to her in details?. I think NTs can't really understand how overwhelming sensory input can be. Try to explain it in details not only about sex, about sounds, lights, food, textures or anything that matters to you. Try your best to be as elaborate as detailed as possible so she could start to understand and relate to your experience.
If you wish to change the situation it might be good to be aware of what sensations exactly are overwhelming you, as smells, textures, eye contact or whatever that could be... so you could learn what you might enjoy or what's a no no for you. I think that the best way could be experimenting alone or with her as slowly as possible so you have time to be aware of all what bothers/not bothers you. Once you start discovering your preferable way or things that bother you, make sure that you explain it as detailed as possible directly to her so you could arrange adjustments.
Good luck for you there!