Published on 12, July, 2020
This is my first time posting anything like this, I find social media to be very intimidating and so I'm hoping this might be a safe space. Sorry if it's kinda long.
I'm eloa, 21 years old and am currently awaiting my official assessment with a suspected 2.5 year waiting list. I recently finished around 6 months of therapy in which I found out that I might be autistic. My therapist was "99.9%" sure I had high-functioning autism and after a ton of personal research into it I realised that I had finally found some answers to why I am this way. To say I'm lost would be an understatement, I've never fit in with any group around me and even feel isolated from my family. I have a lot of mental health problems coming from a lot of trauma and so it's been very difficult trying to find out what specifically is causing so many issues for me but reading some books such as "The reason I jump" really made me feel like I might not be alone.
I have never met anyone like me in my life, even my therapist who works extensively with people on the spectrum told me that I was a very unique and interesting person to assess, still not sure wether this is a compliment or not? Anyway I find myself being isolated socially for a majority of my time as the mix of having autism with my other mental health issues has created quite the combo to deal with.
I have 1 friend I talk to occasionally and growing up I was able to have 1-2 people I was friendly with around me from time to time but the distance between us mentally just made me feel even more alone. Life is very hard, very tiring and stressful, I feel completely mentally isolated from anyone my age and so I have always tended to be on my own. I find pretty much everything on a day to day basis exhausting and unrewarding. I tend to focus on my art and my few obsessions to help get me through the days but I can never shake that overwhelming feeling that I just don't think I'm meant to be here.
I feel very much lost, frustrated and overwhelmed. But I think that's okay, I really do just want to try and meet people like me but I always felt as though anyone like me would be just as isolated and unwilling to communicate so I never took the chance to post like this.I just want to try and find that level of comfort each day that means I can continue to cope with all of this, doing this alone is completely crushing.
p.s anyone reading to the end I appreciate a lot so pls take a flower
Thank you for sharing this with us. As you described, being alone doesn't mean being not willing to communicate. I'm most of my time alone, I chose this over having relationships that I don't understand or don't value, I'm happier this way. Being very picky with your relationships is ok. Take your time and listen to yourself. Take lot of care of yourself and take it all so slowly, and share with us whenever you feel like it. If you wish to have more friends then go to classes where they teach your special interests, art for instance and don't try hard to fit in, I mean not in a way that you would be unfair to who you truly are. At the end, to feel less lonely is to feel understood. Opening up about who we really are, sharing our true selves with the world and being honest are things that make me less lonely even if I still didn't make a new friend yet. Friends with similar experiences will gravitate.
Thank you for your kind response, I really resonate with what you said about expressing yourself and not trying too hard to fit in. I definitely feel like a new person now I'm trying to figure out what parts of myself are really me and make me happy and what parts are just what I used to try and fit in with others. Slowly growing in an authentic way to myself seems like my main goal moving forward. I also love art I find it to be one of the only fulfilling things I do. Thank you for sharing your message it means a lot and please feel free to reach out if you'd like to talk :)