Undiagnosed-30 years of the system-New Condition presented-Anxiety overload.

Afternoon all,

Appreciate being here and should my new assessments (which I believe there is a strong possibility) show me to be autistic, I hope to be ready as small changes completely destroy me, let alone a 'major' one.

More importantly I hope I don't lose the opportunity to lose this outlet as historically I argue to the point that I am right that I have been excluded from many non-mental health forums and lost many friends. I never understood why these things happened as I believed (know) I was right and what was said back to me wasn't even close to what I was (thought) saying.

I am afraid to read posts as it is a trigger for me to immediately take a position to show there is an alternative, i'd rather start at this post and take from there if that is possible.

Why am I here without a diagnosis? I have been through 30 years of mood swings, struggles, breakdowns and had diagnoses of anxiety, depression, SAD and in the last year have been assessed for Adult ADHD, Bipolar, OCD and out of the blue the two assessors ruled out everything and in the presence of family I grew up with asked if I had considered autism, I never considered this and last night looked over reputable sites and testimonies from late diagnosed people and unlike my other research of interest where things overlapped or if I shoe-horned an event... Autism ticked every box...

My fear of a best man speech for a close friend that isn't in a relationship with everyone looking at me and the crowd.

The inability to make small talk without a close friend explaining to the person later that I am [name removed] and I make the wrong talk but I will be fine in time.

My career is built on seeing details and patterns in number sequences which I just see whereas no-one else in the room did leaving me frustrated and annoyed why no-one could see the obvious calculations.

Things being black/ white... Everything is literal ... It either is, or isn't there are few examples where there is a middle.

Is the three month exhaustion collapse at the end of the year burnout for making a great Summer or is it the diagnosis I have had 30 years of SAD, are they coincidences.

I can go on... You get the idea and know far better than I possibly ever will.

I am definitely not looking for a diagnosis, that isn't the purpose of a discussion group so what I am here for is what has kept me awake last night, building my anxiety today... What I know I will spend all weekend dissecting leaving me exhausted for next week... 

I have good friends, not too many but brilliant friends... I have known them 20-30 years... Many I have [word removed] off massively and they still stood by me albeit taking some time to communicate again... How do I tell them... Will they feel bad how they treated me knowing it wasn't my belief... Will I make myself feel worse?

I am on a route to diagnosis and whether it isn't autism it will either be something new or further confirmed as SAD and I still want to share that I have been back through the process.

Should I be confirmed, the big relief I will get is an explanation for avoiding the house parties which should be fun but are the most stressful and fearful event with my friends. At the moment I am either the quiet one that they worry and check in on or I am the one that is unsociable and likely to be excluded from things that don;t stress me in the future.

I am starting to ramble... I feel better for writing my thoughts at this moment irrespective of responses and appreciate should you have read through to this line.