Published on 12, July, 2020
Over the course of the last two years, I was able to form some friendships through Twitter. Through reaching out to autistic people, I was able to create bonds like I had never had before.
I am an autistic male and I did predominantly reach out to autistic women/femme people. The problem was I did this too much. Unbeknownst to me I was coming on too strong and trying to reach out to too many people.
Last month, some screenshots of conversations were shared publicly. Conversations I'd had with other people. It became a huge Twitter storm for a few days and I lost my entire support network.
I own what I did. Without wanting to use my autism as an excuse, through misreading things the conversations became inappropriate (sexual in nature) and I realise that it was just not appropriate to speak to or about women in that way, regardless of intent.
I did a statement but ultimately I knew I wasn't going to make amends so I came off all social media and basically disappeared. I knew I just needed to work on myself. I have an autistic therapist which is helpful and I have three professional contacts I speak to but very occasionally (once a week if that).
There are some silver linings. My social media usage was incredibly unhealthy anyway - refreshing Twitter basically all day and checking my follow list to see if anyone had blocked me was just wrong. I was beginning to enjoy engaging in the autistic community on Twitter a lot less even before this happened.
I know now to be more of an open book with friends (if I'm ever able to make any). Setting out boundaries, parameters, expectations etc from the off and creating a safe environment for both of us. I used to find friendships stressful because I'd have this small network of people I consider friends and then I'd still be talking to 30 other people on social media. My energy is spread really thinly, it becomes overwhelming and too much for me. I'd want a much smaller, tighter group.
I put pressure on myself to hold friendships together and I was never 100% honest with people as to how I felt about that. Part of creating a safe environment is so both of us can speak to each other without the fear of upsetting the other person, especially if one of us is unhappy with something.
There's other things about the nature of conversations I have. I just need to be careful about what I say in private with anyone.
I know I need to win back trust, but it'll take time. I also need to trust other people too, because I don't want to feel like every little thing I do and say is going to be blasted online.
So what am I doing now?
There's still an overwhelming fear of being doxxed, so I changed my phone number. I'm taking it on the chin - I've had my punishment and I'm facing the consequences so I could probably punish myself a bit less.
It has been difficult to see a future. I wanted to channel my experience into something positive, like a guide for Autistic adults. Maybe something like "online etiquette for autistic adults" and "understanding boundaries for autistic men". I don't want this kind of situation to happen to anyone again so I'd want to be part of the solution.
I really do think that something like "understanding boundaries for autistic men" would be really useful. For me, there's a guy at university who is autistic and constantly crosses boundaries. We were forgiving and tried to explain what he was doing wrong to him and give him the benefit of the doubt etc but then it turned into something a lot more dark. To not go into a lot of detail, he believed that he was owed attention by people in his life and decided to physically threaten my friend and make her feel unsafe when she refused. That was when all sympathy for him went out of the window.
From what we can tell, he doesn't understand boundaries for any kind of relationship in his life. Friends, lecturers, etc...
I can’t honestly say much about your specific situation. These situations are context dependent and often turn on details and minutia.
however what if his behaviour is him setting boundaries. Let me put on my devils advocate hat.
how would you feel if your best friend started screening your calls? Not just for a day or two but weeks. Not answering messages. Making worry if you had offended them or if something terrible had happened to them. Wouldn’t you feel justified setting boundaries with a friend about going radio silent for that long?
now suppose your best friend didn’t think of you as a friend at all. To them you were merely acquaintances.
it’s not that rare. If you are autistic and very socially isolated the person you think of as your best friend may barely know you exist.
so have you and your friend told this guy very bluntly ‘we are not friends, do not treat me with familiarity because to me you are just an acquaintance.’
mayBe that will make you look like a jerk but if you go making complaints about him before making that clear with bluntness and directness I think you really are the jerk.
Peter, I accept that you were playing Devil's Advocate with boopBrownie, but if the guy's behaviour was his idea of setting boundaries, then I think there is a major problem if he thinks physically threatening people is an effective way of doing that.
Manipulation implies there is a conscious effort to exert control just look at the dictionary definition. https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/manipulative
more generally the issue of reasonableness comes into play. if I wake up in the middle of the night to find someone attempting to crowbar open my front door and I say to them ‘hey if you try to break in Rob my stuff I’m going to punch you in the face’ would it be reasonable for them to accuse me of being manipulative by threatening to hit them.
no because that would be an entirely reasonable course of action. the term manipulative doesn’t apply to actions done intending to elicit a response if those actions are reasonable.
so the question is if someone is having mental health issues, even to the point of feeling suicidal, and is feeling increasingly socially isolated, is it reasonable for them to turn around to their friends and say hey ‘I’m feeling like I have really bad mental health issues and I’m starting to have suicidal thoughts’
I would say that that should be considered reasonable in general. it’s usually in the interest of mental health that people should feel comfortable approaching best friends about their mental health issues because they are far more likely to do so than they are a professional. and also the support of their friends is far more likely to help them than a professional in my personal opinion.
so I don’t think it can be fair to say that telling your friends that you are so lonely you are feeling suicidal is unreasonable. And if that’s not unreasonable I don’t see how it can be manipulative.
now there is an additional question which is when someone chooses not to be your friend anymore is it reasonable to continue making these sorts of approaches to them and that is an entirely separate question.